Have you got a big decision that matters a lot but you can’t decide what to do? Read on…
Jeff writes:
Here is a choice I am really stuck on. I live in England. Three years ago, my son and his family moved across our little pond to Ireland. I said I would follow when a suitable place came available. Now a property has, but I’m still on the fence, very indecisive.
I’ve done the old pros and cons list but it has not helped. I’ve even done Focusing on the different aspects, still stuck! I’m not usually indecisive even on big changes so it is a very odd place to be in. Any pointers would be greatly appreciated.
Dear Jeff:
So it’s mysterious that you’re indecisive about moving. And that’s interesting! There’s something here to get curious about.
Let me give a tip that I got from Gene Gendlin. He said:
“When a decision is hard to make, it’s because neither alternative is right.”
When I heard that, my whole body relaxed. No wonder! I’d been pressuring myself to find a choice that felt all good, perfect… and that may not have been even possible.
Once you acknowledge that there is something about both alternatives that isn’t right, you’ve got a starting place for an in-depth Focusing process.
You might find there are actually four Parts here… and each one might need a turn to be heard.
- There’s the Part that wants you to move to Ireland to be near your son and his family.
- There’s the Part that doesn’t you to move to Ireland, that wants you to stay where you are… for some good reason.
- There may also be a Part that is pushing you to make the decision. “Come on! Why are you dragging your feet!”
- And then there’s the Part that doesn’t want to make the decision at all.
You can say Hello to each one of those, and then sit down to get to know each one of them, especially by listening to what it is worried about, what it doesn’t want.
That’s right, what it doesn’t want! It’s usually worried Parts that drive our hesitations.
By the way, I have a whole course on making decisions. Find out more about it here: At the Crossroads.
