What does it mean to “listen to” your parts? Read on…
A Reader writes:
I have heard that Focusing is a time to “listen to” the parts.
Sometimes, often actually, something in me will want me to do something out in the world and thinks I need to do something.
How do I respond to it when it says I’m not listening to it if I won’t do what it wants me to do?
Dear Reader:
Your parts are all trying to help you. In fact, they’re all trying to save your life! So no wonder they get very passionate and even assertive about the actions they think are right for you to do.
But listening is not the same as doing… not in Focusing, and not, actually, in life.
If I have a part of me that tells me (for example) that it really really needs me to lose weight so I’ll be more attractive and successful, here’s how I would listen to it:
“I really hear that you want me to be more attractive and successful, and you believe that losing weight is the way to do that.
“It sounds like you might be worried about me not being attractive and successful enough… let me check with you if that’s right.
“And maybe there is something you are worried will happen if I am not more attractive and successful…
“Ah, so it’s that you’re worried I’ll be lonely and poor. I really hear you don’t want me to be lonely and poor!
“And maybe there is something you don’t want me to have to feel from being lonely and poor…
And so on. Barbara McGavin and I call this Deep Empathy. You’re listening, not just to the surface strategies, but down deep to the underlying longing and dread.
Soon enough, if you do that, your part is no longer demanding action. Rather, it’s starting to believe that you are the strong and capable one, and you know what to do with your life without its scolding. Which is true!
