April 17 2007 – #107

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Sharing Focusing with People in My Daily Life
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Nina Joy writes: "My burning question about
Focusing right now has to do with sharing it
with people in my daily life who don't
particularly want to learn a new thing
formally, and may not be interested in
Focusing.  I'd like to find ways to invite my
family and friends to sense into something,
without using regular Focusing terminology,
without pressing anything on them, just
gently inviting them in everyday language. 
I'd like to do this with any age person, from
my grandson at 6 to my father in law at 90
and have it feel like a natural part of life
they can choose to tune in on or not."

Dear Nina Joy,
What a lovely vision! If we could somehow
invite all the people around us to turn with
gentleness toward themselves, to open with
curiosity toward their own rich inner life of
meaning...

And it's important that you say "without
using regular Focusing terminology," because
that probably wouldn't be the way, would it?
The language of "you're sensing something in
you..." or "notice how that feels in your
body" that sounds so nice in a Focusing
partnership or with a therapy client is just
a bit odd in one's own family.

What can you do? First of all, and most
important, BE Focusing. Model a Focusing way
of being, yourself. Genuinely say, "I don't
know yet whether I want to, let me check
inside a minute." Or: "I need some time so I
can listen to how I feel about that." And
then really take that time. Live your own
Focusing in your family situations.

Second, be empathic. Let your empathy be for
more than words. The very young and the very
old may not have the words to say how they're
feeling. They may be saying it with their
movements, facial expressions, non-verbal
sounds. When you can say, "That's
frustrating, isn't it?" that lets them
connect symbols to their feelings. Or correct
you if your guess is wrong.

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"How can I invite them to sense into something?"
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And then there's the heart of your question,
how to invite them to sense into something.

One of my favorite ways is this one: "So
there's something about...."

"So there's something about not being able to
___ that feels so frustrating to you." That
is an invitation; your person may or may not
take it. But if you're really interested and
curious, so they have a sense of no pressure,
maybe they will sense more... and say more.

Above all, the fact that YOU know there's
more; that they may not be in touch with the
depth of implicit knowing underneath, but you
know it's there... that alone will help you
be with them with your full self, and to
listen for those moments when the "more"
peeks through.