February 21 2006

Why does the Focusing community emphasize Focusing with a partner? Isn’t it a good thing to Focus on one’s own? Read on!

“I’d Rather Do It Alone”

I can feel it. I’m an introvert too! I can feel the tug, the tendency, to go off by myself instead of dealing with another person. “Let’s pair up!” the workshop leader says, and a part of me would rather do anything else.

So when we reach the end of the workshop, and I say to my students: “I really believe that for most people the best way to stay with Focusing is to practice WITH A PARTNER. And I’d recommend that you make some appointments NOW…” I can empathize with the reluctance. Do we have to?

Yes. Sorry, but if you want to make Focusing a trusted part of your life, partnership is pretty much required.

Perhaps the reason I feel so strongly about this is that I would never have stayed with Focusing if it weren’t for Focusing with partners. I’m the kind of person who can almost always not feel anything, almost always “take a pass.” Over the years, not spending time with my innermost felt places became a habit interlocked with other habits, including the alcoholic one.

For most of the years I’ve been Focusing I’d say, “I don’t need to Focus tonight. Nothing will come, when I try.” But I had a partner, we had scheduled a session, and when I sat down and went inside, there would be so much there! I learned that I couldn’t trust what the “outer” voices said about what was inside. “Nobody’s in there.” “Yes we are!”

What the Other Person Brings

I’ve learned that the way to make the best use of a Focusing partner is to (sort of) forget they are there. I close my eyes, I sense my body, I take my time. I don’t worry about the partner; I trust they want me to take my time. This isn’t a conversation. If I make it a conversation, if I feel like I’m telling the partner rather than listening to myself, I may lose the gift, the specialness of this form.

My Focusing partner helps me make a space for inner listening. She does that by the quality of her listening, by her peaceful, non-intrusive Presence.

Focusing can surprise us. The inner place feels how it feels, not some other way that we wish it would feel. Last week in my partnership session I spent ten minutes listening within to a part of me that had feelings about something in my future plans. After ten minutes, I felt ready to go on. But in the presence of my partner, I remembered to ask inside, does IT feel finished?

I know how “finished” feels, when something has released because there is no more to hear. It usually feels lighter, more opened, relieved, warm… This didn’t feel that way. Something was tighter. I had to admit, much as something in me wanted to go on, THIS didn’t want me to. There was more.

It was my partner’s gentle listening presence that allowed me to stay with this unknown “something,” even when there was a long silence and nothing felt clear. Her patience supported my patience. When I finally heard what it was, there was a big opening. It was certainly worth waiting for.