Wouldn’t it be great to be non-defensive, free of the fear of others’ criticism? Read on!
The Opposite of Criticism
“This is a terrible workshop!”
In the old days, I would live in fear of hearing those words from a workshop participant. Now, because of many sessions of Focusing with inwardly critical parts of myself, my experience of outer criticism has transformed. I get it: all these people are doing is giving me feedback about their unmet needs!
“Oh, there was something else you were hoping from this workshop! Please tell me more!”
I learned from Marshall Rosenberg and his remarkable model of Non-Violent Communication that people are always telling us about their needs, just sometimes in indirect ways. And knowing that helped enormously, but it wasn’t enough by itself to change the blush of hot shame that would come over me when I heard “criticism.”
It was the Focusing that I did with the critical parts of myself that began to bring real change. In session after session I would turn toward the part of me that was criticizing me, and gently invite it to let me know more about what it was not wanting and wanting. This compassionate approach totally shifted this experience.
I still make mistakes! I’m sorry for them, I regret them, but I don’t feel bad about *myself*. A few weeks ago I mixed up the starting time of a class, and arrived 15 minutes late instead of 15 minutes early, to see the group standing patiently on the porch of the building. Oops! I really noticed how differently that experience sat in me than it would have, even five years ago. I apologized, but I didn’t hold onto it. We had a good class.
The Opposite of Defensiveness
If the opposite if criticism is feedback, then the opposite of defensiveness is curiosity. I’m genuinely curious about the experience you might be having that is different from what you were wanting to experience. I’m genuinely curious about what I could learn and how I could grow once I learn more about your unmet needs.
I love having this approach to situations that used to feel oppressive and frightening. My sense of openness and freedom is delicious. I even look forward to hearing what could help people feel better.
Go ahead! Our complaint department is open!
