Feelings We Don’t Know the Reason For
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Wendy writes: "My question is about when we have feelings that we don’t know the reason for or connection with a particular situation. If I’m aware of being angry with my partner about something for instance it’s more straightforward. However I am working a lot at present with ones that I can’t immediately connect with a specific incident, sort of underlying ones. I may be aware all day of a particular feeling sense not far under the surface – like grief or rage or a sort of slight anxiety. This is not new, and I’m aware of such feelings surfacing and even being very "loud" at times over the years.
"I’ll spend quite some time focusing on such a feeling- this may often be solo focusing or with a partner. I’ll easily contact the feeling state and find a number of phrases/words/images and even what feel like statements that fit. I may have a powerful picture of a child sobbing for instance and find a statement like "I’m all alone" or "There’s no one there"., or "I’m not standing for this" – I sense it probably refers to moments in childhood, or sometimes can see it can also fit with one or two key traumatic events, but have no specific memory of an incident that seems to completely encompass it …. I can spend quite some time hearing it, acknowledging it, maybe imagining comforting the child, and too trying to sense the feelings about the feelings – "not again" "I’m sick of this" "what is this all about?" "OK, so I know I felt alone as a child, and I’ve listened such a lot to these feelings, when can I move on and let go of it, it’s interfering with my ability to be in the present" and so on. Over the years I have done a fair bit of therapy as well as focusing. A part of me is concerned that by spending more time focusing on these feelings and connecting with them I’m just getting more bogged down, and somehow not getting a shift or moving forward.
"As I write this I start to wonder if despite my best attempts to be in a place of compassionate witness to these parts, if actually I’m just getting submerged and identified with the feelings. I also find myself reflecting that maybe I could spend more time checking if there is anything in my current life situation that I am missing (avoiding?) that has evoked that constellation of feelings and thoughts at this time – sometimes they are stronger than others."
Dear Wendy, I’d say it’s something to appreciate that these more-than-the-present feelings are coming up now. You’ve created enough safety and welcome in your current life that the feelings can come and knock on your door, so to speak. And it sounds like you’re doing a good job of listening. I would just say a few more things.
As you say, it’s a good possibility that you are getting identified… perhaps with the part of you that has the feelings, and certainly with the part that calls this situation "getting bogged down." So it would be a good idea to spend extra time cultivating Presence as a way of being with your inner world at such times. Really feeling the lower support of your body, your seat and your feet… taking time to sense what feels good in your body… and using Presence language all through your session.
"I’m sensing something in me is letting me know there was no one there."
"I’m sensing something in me that’s saying it’s sick of all this." and so on.
You can follow that with phrases like "I’m acknowledging it." and "I’m letting it know I hear it." This language will make it clearer who YOU are… the one who is listening, in Presence.
What will also become clearer if you use this language is that the feeling places are telling you how they felt in the past. They need to do that… and they’re grateful you are here to listen, since no one was there to listen at the time. The way you listen can make it clear that the whole you, now, is listening.
Like this:
"It says, No one is here. I’m letting it know I hear that. I really hear that that’s how it was, no one was here. I’m saying to it: No wonder that feels so bad."
You don’t need to add anything like "And now it’s different." Doing so would interfere with that part experiencing that you really hear how it’s feeling. But that’s obvious; the difference is embodied in the situation itself.
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It Functions as More than the Old Story
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I’ve been speaking as if hearing what it has to say is the point or the purpose of what we’re doing. But actually, something else — something harder to talk about — is far more important.
This "something" inside you, the felt experience that includes grief or rage… we need to understand that it is more, and more complex, than simple feelings of grief or rage. It is more than the story of what happened "then" and how that felt.
There is a here-and-now fresh sense of it, that is hard to put into words. THAT is what will bring a fresh moving forward, when that "edge" is contacted. It’s not so easy… the story, however painful, is much easier to find than this felt sense. AND it is sensing and describing and being with the felt sense right now that is going to bring the change your whole being is longing for.
As for not knowing the reasons behind the feelings… remember we never know all the reasons for our feelings! They are always about more than we think.