Parts and Wholeness
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Last week’s tip (#119) on stepping back from parts and getting a fresh felt sense of the whole situation has generated some "buzz," according to my emails.
You’ll be happy to know that Carole, who sent the original question, felt good about our answer. She writes: "Dear Ann and Barbara: Thank you for printing my question and answering it with so much care and respect. What a huge relief I feel … like life suddenly got much easier in a very beautiful way. Thank you for your support and care."
At the same time, those of you who learned from us the power of "disidentification," where we move from "I feel ____" to "something in me feels ____", might be a bit puzzled by our answer. (Barbara McGavin helped me write last week’s answer.) If we are recommending stepping back from relating to "parts" and instead getting a felt sense of the whole situation, what does that mean about saying "something in me feels ____"?
In other words: If it’s best to get a felt sense of the whole situation, is it still a good idea to be aware of "parts"?
Yes. And here’s why.
To get a felt sense of the whole situation, we have to be in Presence. There’s no other way to do it. "Presence" is our word for the state or ability of not identifying with any part or aspect of ourselves, not taking sides, holding the whole.
There are a number of ways to find Presence. Sensing a spaciousness inside you, letting your breathing help you do that, finding the feeling of being supported by what you’re sitting on, resting into that support. And then acknowledging whatever you become aware of. Radical acceptance of everything.
It is for this acknowledging that we need language that recognizes "parts." We’ll be saying things like:
"I’m sensing something in me that is scared."
and
"I’m sensing something in me that is tired of being scared."
(We’ll also be acknowledging in other ways, like "There’s a tightness in my chest.")
"I’m taking time to get a sense of this whole thing."
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When I start to do Focusing, sometimes I find the spaciousness of Presence right away. Other times, I need to acknowledge a lot of "stuff" on my way to finding Presence. The good news: every acknowledgment is from a state of Presence. So the truth is: you’re already there.
Then, at any point in a Focusing session, I can give myself this invitation: "I’m taking time to get a sense of this whole thing."
It might be at the beginning. Or it might be after I’ve been spending time, sensing, being with what’s here. It’s an invitation that’s always appropriate, I feel. And when I offer it to myself, I often feel a breath of fresh air inside, a sense of being larger than whatever I had been caught up in.
Gene Gendlin, author of Focusing, says that in the forming of the felt sense, there is already the carrying forward. We have already lived beyond the problem. He is talking about the felt sense of the whole situation.
So inviting this sense of the whole will already bring a body-felt relief, even when there haven’t yet been external-world steps toward the solution. I love this. On one level, it feels magical. On another, it feels like the most natural thing in the world. (Hint: It’s both.)