Presence with Tough Places Focusing Alone
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Ruth writes: "It’s clear to me that what is coming up during many of my Focusing sessions relates to emotional trauma. Often I get the sense of being in a space of amnesia. It’s like everything slows down, and while I feel I’m still relating to what I’m feeling from Presence, it’s like I forget even the basics of Focusing. I have to say to myself, so what do I do now? ……………. Oh, yes ………. I could describe what this feels like … Often when I stay here for some time, very uncertain parts start to come into view. Deep sleepiness often comes as well in this space. Anyway, I wondered it you had seen other people work in this way, and whether you had any insights or guidance to offer? I’m suspecting you’ll say it’s easier working with a partner, but I seem to go deepest alone, and I like working alone."
Dear Ruth
It’s easier working with a partner. (There, I’m predictable!) Why? Especially if we’re working with issues relating to emotional trauma, we need a lot of safety and a solid grounded container, and a partner can provide that.
Of course if you like working alone, I honor that. But then you need to do something extra to give you some of the safety and relational awareness that we otherwise get from a partner.
First, it can be very helpful to speak out loud. Then you hear yourself, and it tends to keep away that spaciness and sleepiness when we sink so deeply into something that’s hard to be with.
Next, have something in front of you that reminds you of the basics of Focusing, so you don’t have to remember them… they’re right there in front of you. You can write down something for yourself, or look here for some Focusing steps offered by different teachers. People who’ve been in my Level classes have "crib cards" that remind them of the steps or stages. I also sell them together with or separately from my manuals.
Also, you might want to write while you’re Focusing. That’s right, I said WHILE you’re Focusing! Opening your eyes and writing, just a little, will help you find that balance between "going deep" and "present time." Just write the words that describe something you’re feeling; don’t try to write coherent sentences. If you feel lost, you can open your eyes and read what you wrote; it’s kind of like having a listener.
You might be saying that you JUST want to go deep, you don’t want the distractions of speaking out loud or reading from a crib card or writing while you’re Focusing. In fact, maybe that’s what you find distracting about Focusing with a partner.
Here’s the trouble with that: just "going deep" without Presence and groundedness feels unsafe to your body. When you feel that spaciness or that deep sleepiness, that’s actually a Safety Guardian in you, keeping you from going to an unsafe place inside. We have to honor our safety guardians; they are keeping us from something not good, maybe even from being retraumatized.
Something in you might be pushing to "go deep, go fast," but the wisdom of the body is other than that, the wisdom of the body says that if you go faster than is safe, it will slow you down. Put you right to sleep. Deep places need Presence… and if you’re in Presence, you won’t be distracted by speaking out loud or writing.
Sound like a lot to do? Well… and you knew I was going to say this… it’s easier with a partner!
