Focusing with Intimate Partners
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Bridget writes: Can you give any tips to Focusing with intimate partners? Here are some issues:
1. Do you keep the same Focusing space and confidentiality–ie pledge not to bring up the issues explored in Focusing at other times?
2. How do you focus about something that might be troubling you about your relationship?
Dear Bridget,
Good for you and good for your intimate partner for wanting to Focus together! Focusing partnership embodies both intimacy and giving space, so it’s a wonderful format for intimate partners to be connected at a deep level and support each other’s growth without getting tangled up in giving advice or co-dependency.
The format of giving warmly empathic listening reflections instead of giving advice is such a powerful one. The person Focusing feels supported and held in contact and at the same time able to have his/her own space to explore.
So with all the positives that this idea has going for it, there are of course potential problems as well. You are mentioning two important ones.
Do intimate partners who Focus together keep the same pledge of confidentiality, not to bring up the issues explored in Focusing at other times? The simple answer: Yes. And as in regular Focusing partnerships, the Companion can ask the Focuser’s permission to bring up the topic of the session for discussion at another time. It’s better to do it at another time; right after the session is the most sensitive time, when it’s better for both people not to discuss the content of the session.
And that brings us to your second point: How do you Focus about something that may be troubling you about your relationship? As in the old joke about the two porcupines, the answer is: Very, very carefully!
You would want to discuss with your partner before the session that this is what you want to Focus on, and clear with him/her whether this is OK to do. Then agree on the guidelines. It can be hard on the Companion to listen for a long period of time about a "hot issue" between you. Many people find it’s better to take five minute turns. After five minutes, the other person gets a turn on the same issue. You can go back and forth like this several times. Giving reflections without also giving your opinion, even in the tone of your voice, can be a real challenge.
Janet Klein has developed a method for two people to use Focusing to address the felt sense of their interaction. This is not just for intimate partners but for any Focusing partners, and it’s fascinating. Her method is called Interactive Focusing.
"This struck me as funny and laughing wasn’t appropriate…"
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Bridget goes on to say: "When I was focusing with my boyfriend Mike, another question came up, although it isn’t just about Focusing in relationships. When I was the Focusing Companion, I found that he was discovering things that I felt I already knew about him. This struck me as funny and laughing wasn’t really appropriate at that moment. Do you have any tips on how to handle Companion humor?"
I’ve talked about how the Focusing Companion needs to be in Presence. We are in Presence when we are sensing, listening, feeling, and speaking from our larger Self, where we naturally have qualities of compassion, patience, gentleness, spaciousness, and so on.
Being in Presence doesn’t mean never having difficult feelings. It does mean that when you have such feelings, you inwardly acknowledge them rather than becoming identified with them.
For example, if I found myself getting impatient and exasperated with my Focusing partner, I would want to silently acknowledge those feelings. I would say to myself, "I’m sensing something in me feeling impatient right now." My ability to own and acknowledge my own feelings keeps them clear of the Focuser’s field.
There are times when humor arises spontaneously in Presence. it’s often when the Focuser laughs, that the Companion finds resonant laughter is bubbling up.
But what you are describing doesn’t sound like that. It doesn’t sound like Presence, to be amused that someone didn’t know something about themselves. So in that case, it’s a part of you that wants to laugh, and you would treat that like any other part: silently say Hello to it, so it doesn’t get in the way of the Focuser’s session.