"I'd like my celibacy to be honored and respected."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kay writes: "I have chosen to be celibate and my friends know it. But
one person I've known for over ten years said recently he thinks of me
as 'the most sexually attractive person and the most celibate person he
knows.' My celibacy is very much my own and I do wish it could be
accepted and understood and even honored as my own choice for me.
Focusing has brought some much welcome lightness to this issue already,
yet it still remains a bit of a tangle."
Dear Kay,
Yes, I do hear that there's a tangle there. It sounds like you heard a
disrespect for your choice of celibacy, in what this man said.
But
in his view, he may have been paying you a compliment! (You know more
about it than I do, since I wasn't there, and you heard the tone of
voice.)
Maybe you heard a suggestion that your choice was wrong, or that he wished you would make a different choice.
So
let's say that's true. In fact, let's take it further, and imagine him
(or someone) saying, "I'm sexually attracted to you and I wish you
hadn't decided to be celibate."
So? It still doesn't sound
disrespectful to me. Disrespectful would sound like this: "What a
stupid way to live!" or "Whatever happened to the sexual revolution?"
So
I'm guessing that what you would like is for people who know you to
leave the topic alone, not to bring it up. And you might check inside,
if that's right.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It
comes to many of us at some point in our lives that we need to make a
choice or take a position– adopt a way of life– that is different
from the people around us.
It might be a medical choice, like
the decision to take alternative treatments for cancer instead of
chemo. It might be a family choice, like the decision to have a baby
but not be married. It might be a financial choice, like the decision
to live a simpler life with less money and fewer possessions instead of
staying in a high-paying but stressful job. Or you might choose to be a
vegetarian or a vegan, in a world that worships the hamburger.
Especially
if it's a choice that goes against the mainstream, you can be pretty
sure that unless you insulate yourself from people who are different
from you (and what would be the fun in that?), you will get questioning
reactions from some people you know.
But those reactions don't have to be about you. In my view, they aren't really
about you. They are about the person who is speaking. I remember having
strong reactions to choices my friends were making… and almost always
it was because there was something in me that wasn't really centered or
at ease with my own choices.
The opportunity for you, when you
get the question or the challenge, is to sense freshly the inner
rightness of your decision… and then, from your centered place,
smile, and say, "I'd be glad to listen if you're still exploring your
own decision, but mine is already made."