“My mother, to whom I was very close, committed suicide.”
Lenka writes:
“Three weeks ago, my mother, whom I was very close to, committed suicide. And in the last few weeks, I’ve been aware of such a complicated ‘tangle’ of parts — although, currently I am very much identified with all of them! There’s the physical pain, the emotional, the mental merry-go-round and of course then there’s the broken heart and spirit. I am very aware of a strong part of me that wants very much to go with her, the part that does not want to live life without her in it (this part feels very young. I am 38 years old.) There’s also the something in me that feels (identifies with?) her pain, loneliness, deep sorrow, helplessness, hopelessness, etc.
There’s the part that is angry with her ‘choice’ (although I feel I understand the ‘why’) and the part that feels extremely abandoned. And while there’s also something in me that wants to live and be happy (a very small part), I feel very much the pull of the part that wants to curl up in a ball and cry for the loss of my one and only mother that I will never see again. I miss her so very much. And so I wonder, is it possible to work in a Focusing way with grief that is quite overwhelming and so ‘fresh’? It all seems a huge ‘mess’ inside, and I can’t quite distinguish clearly one part from another. Or perhaps I’m not meant to…?”
Dear Lenka,
I am honored and touched that you would write to me, and I am so so sorry for the loss of your mother, and in such tragic circumstances. She must have been very identified with a part of her that didn’t see another way out.
Of course this touches you deeply, and I cannot even imagine what you must be going through. I am so glad you wrote to me. Most of all I urge you to keep reaching out, to reach out also to people near you who can sit with you and hug you and Focus with you. You should not have to go through this alone. And this would be a really really hard issue to do Focusing with alone.
Focusing can be a valuable process for just being with the suffering that comes with loss. You have other parts too, but perhaps the loss and the suffering are underneath it all.
Do you have people to Focus with? Do you still have a partner? Do you have a therapist? I repeat: this is not something you should have to go through alone.
Being there for yourself however long it takes
After I wrote her the email above, Lenka wrote back to tell me that she does have a support group, and that’s a good thing, since she has found it especially hard to Focus alone these days. She also gave me permission to share her email and my response, and to say a bit more:
Lenka,
You wrote about the tangle of parts and feeling identified with all of them. Of course! That sounds very understandable to me.
I suspect that even listing them all, as you did, might have brought a bit of relief. It might bring a bit of relief to acknowledge that there is a strong part that doesn’t want to live life without your mother…and you’re sensing that one feels very young. Maybe you can be with her, that very young part of you that doesn’t want to live life without your mother, and sense what kind of contact she needs from you right now.
Then there is a part of you that seems to feel your mother’s feelings of pain, loneliness, hopelessness, etc. It might be especially important to acknowledge that as a part of you that “feels the need” to feel your mother’s feelings. That could open up some exploration about what that part of you finds important about feeling your mother’s feelings. Maybe to feel close to her…maybe to try to understand her choice…
And the part of you that is angry with her…and the part that feels abandoned…you might want to make a big space for all these parts, and say to them, no wonder they would feel that way.
And each time you acknowledge what is there, and sense it, and stay with it as you, you’re also feeling the greater strength of self that is there because you can do that. You as Self-in-Presence…even though there are times that Presence feels very thin…you as Self-in-Presence is what all your parts are longing for. And with a gentle hand moving to the place that hurts, or a gentle “Yes I know you’re there” — you as Self-in-Presence are there.
It’s a journey. I’m glad you have Focusing with you. My best wishes to you.