“I have never experienced the same loss of myself since.”
Hazel writes:
“I used to suffer from depression and would have days where I felt overwhelmed by life, debilitated by it, staying in bed crying and fighting feelings of being bodily toxic, as if I were literally creeping out of my skin. For a long time my reaction to this was to turn what I was experiencing into self-hatred and loathing.
“One day, for some reason, I found that I was able to be present to myself and what was occurring. I didn’t leave my room, but I didn’t go back to bed either. Instead I started to become curious about what was going on. I remember even looking at my face in the mirror and witnessing the anxiety, tears and distress and thinking, ‘Wow, how extraordinary I look, how bodily real these feelings that are affecting me.’ I still suffered all day but my experience of it was different. I was more expanded and aware. The next day I felt quite healed and integrated.
“I have never experienced the same loss of myself when becoming overwhelmed since. From this experience and my early experiences of Focusing, before I came across the concept of Self-in-Presence, I would say to my friends ‘I am much more the captain of my ship.’
“I could never have put this experience into a words or a framework for healing until I read your work. I have trained as a counselor under a humanistic framework but it was my experiences and examination of your theories for Focusing that gave me a workable framework for how human beings grow and change. This means that when I work with clients I have full confidence in the way that I work with them, there is no hit and miss, we are always taking steps however small towards cultivating Self-in-Presence.”
Dear Hazel,
Thank you so much! What a beautiful story! I hope this will be inspiring to everyone who reads this.
Most people have no idea how transformative it is to sense exactly the feelings and experiences that are here, without changing or judging them.
We think we’re feeling how we feel…but we’re not. Usually we’re feeling the state of reactivity to our feelings, feeling scared or rejecting of how we feel.
Hazel, you write about starting to become curious. Becoming curious is so often the turning point, I find.
In a reactive state, I’m sure I already know what I feel. As Self-in-Presence, I’m curious, interested, and I want to get to know how I feel. That starts with direct sensing, no assumptions, just sensing how it feels in my body right now.
I had a simple example this week, with mosquito bites. I was on a farm in Tuscany where there were some powerful mosquitoes. The itch of the bites could last for days.
I could really feel the difference between a usual state of reactivity vs. Self-in-Presence with the bites.
Reactivity: It itches. I wish it would stop. How annoying. It itches.
Self-in-Presence: It itches. I’m pausing to take some time. I bring awareness to the sensation. I let go of the word “itch,” so I can sense freshly with no assumptions. As I sense directly, the sensation intensifies for a while. At first I can’t describe it. Then I realize it has an angry, “stirred up” quality. That fits. The sensation doesn’t change, yet there is a satisfied feeling. I go do something else. About 20 minutes later, I notice there is no more sensation from the bite.
Getting curious, letting go of assumptions, sensing how it IS right now…it can be startling how quickly this can bring change.
It’s worth a try! (And if you find it’s not so easy to get out of a reactive state, we have plenty of resources to help you…)
