“What’s wrong with me? I can’t seem to create the life I want.”
Katherine writes:
“I’m hoping you can help with something that came up today while Focusing alone. The feeling that came was frustration that I can’t seem to create the life I want. Something in me was asking, ‘What’s wrong with me, that I can’t do this?’ And the immediate answer was that there is something wrong with me. I said hello to the part that believes there’s something wrong. It didn’t have much of an emotional quality; it seemed vaguely resigned, but mostly matter-of-fact, just accepting that I’m defective somehow. So I said no wonder it thinks I’m defective since some things in my life have been disappointing. Clearly, this part has no idea what is wrong, just that something is wrong with me, and whatever it is, it is big (not big like scary, big like unchangeable). And something in me wants to know what this thing is, so it can get to work fixing it.
“This part that thinks something is wrong with me did not seem like the Critic, it thinks it’s just stating a fact about me. When asked what it’s wanting or not wanting, it had nothing to say, and it didn’t seem to be trying to protect anything. Just trying to sit with this part seemed unproductive. It seems like something important came up today, I’m just not sure how to proceed. Any ideas would be appreciated.”
Dear Katherine,
I’m reminded of something I heard from another Focusing teacher. She had a life-changing Focusing session in which the result was: “There is something congenitally wrong with me, and that’s why my life is the way it is.” The coming of this knowing brought tremendous relief all through her body. She didn’t know what it was that was wrong, but her body told her there was something, and the body sense of relief was already a big change.
Months later she found out she actually did have something congenitally “wrong” (different), and when she began to explore ways to treat and respond to this condition, her life started to work much better for her.
So Katherine, I would ask you, did the knowing that something is wrong with you, and that’s why you can’t create the life you want, bring relief? Did it bring a more relaxed body, deeper breaths, an inner sense of rightness? You don’t say anything about that in your email, so I’m guessing it didn’t…
And if it didn’t, then we can assume that this is a partial-self, with a partial view, and not the truth about you.
Where would such a partial-self come from? I’m guessing it’s something like this: when life-forward energy is stopped and cannot live forward in the way it needs to, this “stoppage” (as Gene Gendlin calls it) is traumatic and painful. Because Self-in-Presence is lacking, partial-selves emerge to try to solve the problem, and none of them fully succeed. One type of partial-self tries to explain what is wrong, and finding that “you” are defective is one typical explanation.
It might not seem like it’s trying to protect anything, but the very fact that it seems so matter-of-fact and settled is probably connected to its not wanting you to feel the pain of trying and being disappointed, which it thinks will keep happening. You might check with it, if it’s something like that.
Spending time with the longing
When I read your email I was filled with curiosity about your longing to create the life you want. Wanting is powerful. Too often we have the tendency to stay with the “negatives,” because we can feel they are parts of us that need attention.
And that’s true, the blocking parts do need attention…but so do the feelings of wanting, longing, and desire.
There is what you want to create externally, what your life would look like…and there is also the “wanted feeling,” the body feeling that would come if your life were like that.
Focusing with the Wanted Feeling is powerful in two ways. It actually shifts your energy to a place from which it is easier to live in new ways. (It’s part of what Gene Gendlin calls “possibility space.”) AND it brings up the parts of you that are closed down in connection with old traumas and afraid that opening up to what you want will open you up to the hurt inside.
From Self-in-Presence you’ll be able to bring attention to both parts, and I believe you’ll feel a fresh sense of energy and possibility. Do let me know!