The concept of ‘parts’ sometimes seems like multiple personalities
Leslie writes: “The concept of ‘parts’ and being in presence with these parts — a foundation of Inner Relationship Focusing — has been making a huge difference. However… Right now I’m being with a part that finds this very troubling. This part is confused by what seems like ‘multiple personalities.’ It’s saying we’re already in pieces and It doesn’t want to be fragmented further. It wants us to cooperate and put ourselves back together.
“To give you an example, It’s remembering how last week I (or parts of me?) finally stopped ‘fighting,’ calmed down and finished a major personal project (paintings for a show). I met the deadline and enjoyed a celebration party with my friends and felt pretty good for a few more days. It’s also remembering how during the months before there were countless anxious periods as various ‘parts’ worked, avoided working, cried, fretted, and more. (Believe me, I can’t tell you exactly what changed in that last week. I told myself, ‘Well, you have to.’ I stopped fighting it. I was calm and I did it. Good grief.)
“At the moment, this troubled part is looking at the person (part?) I was when I was feeling relatively happy, connected, confident, successful (or just relieved?), and It doesn’t know who she is. She’s a stranger, she doesn’t seem real. It, this part I’m sitting with now, doesn’t know who we are (I am) trying to be. Is it this feeling-relatively-good part-and is it a ‘part’ or is it ‘me’? Where’d she go? Why isn’t she helping us right now as I try to return to my work and find I’m stirring up all the familiar anxieties?”
Dear Leslie,
I’m really glad to hear that the concept of parts and being in presence with these parts has made a huge difference. But listen to what you just said: being in presence with these parts. It’s YOU being in presence with the parts — we also call this being Self-in-Presence — that has made such a big difference.
That’s you, the whole, full complete you: Self-in-Presence.
When you say — using Presence language as I suggest — “I am sensing something in me is confused and troubled about the concept of parts,” the “I” in “I am sensing” is you identifying as Self-in-Presence. (We can identify with different experiences and states… and for Focusing, I recommend that we identify as Self-in-Presence.)
Parts are temporary. They rise and fall like waves in the ocean. Self-in-Presence endures.
So when you are feeling happy, connected, confident, relaxed, able to act with flow, then you ARE Self-in-Presence. You are acting as and from your whole Self.
Ideally all your actions and decisions would be taken as Self-in-Presence, with the resources of wisdom and perspective of your whole self. Parts are partial and they have partial views. They can’t see the whole picture. They can contribute their point of view, but they should not be taking action.
“Why isn’t she helping us right now?”
Being Self-in-Presence is an ability that gets stronger and easier the more we practice it. It’s also an ability that is sometimes occluded by conditions of tiredness or illness or being triggered by emotional reactions.
Sometimes the best we can do is notice that it’s pretty hard to be Self-in-Presence right now. But here’s the good news: with even that much awareness, we are already back to being Self-in-Presence again.
Being Self-in-Presence CAN feel spacious, open, relaxed… but not always. I might be keeping company with something in me that is quite painful. As long as *I* am here, keeping company, I am at least one breath bigger than the pain. And that makes all the difference.
So when you hear a part of you wondering where “she” is when you need her, I suggest saying back to that part, “I am here. I am listening. I really hear that you are worried that __________” and then hear what it is worried about.
Behaving as Self-in-Presence is the way to BE Self-in-Presence, and in the inner world, that means being a listener, and making a space where all your parts can be heard. In time, they will come to trust that that is who YOU are — the whole Self, the one who can listen to them and who can act with flow in the world.
