“A part of me shows me horrifying scenes that have never happened to me.”
Vicky writes:
“When I’m Focusing, a part of me shows me horrifying scenes that have never happened to me. The last one was of a child clinging to a window ledge while an adult repeatedly slammed the window down on her fingers. She was clawing for a finger hold frantically because if she let go, she would fall forever into infinite blackness all alone. It was life or death. I let her know I saw her and heard her — that this is how terrified she was or is. That she feels she was or is fighting for her very life. Another part then appeared as a transparent child who was not able to do anything but wring her hands and cover her ears. She says, “Make it stop! I can’t bear it! No more!”
Witnessing the scene at the window ledge is overwhelmingly painful for her. I let her know I hear that. The child barely manages to pull herself over the ledge and into the room. One part of me seems to be traumatized by watching this kind of scene. The little girl herself feels that she has just experienced this event and huddles in a corner shaking. As Self-in-Presence, I offer to be with them. Later in the day I notice more images of fear and torture coming up. Any help working with this will be greatly appreciated!”
Dear Vicky,
This much we do know: a part of you — something in you — is showing you these horrifying scenes for some good reason. It’s interesting that they haven’t happened to you. That suggests that the reason for showing them is not that they have happened.
But perhaps this part is showing you that something that happened — or is happening — felt like this. The body process often speaks in metaphor.
It’s funny how we need to speak in “double tenses” — is/was happening. If something really painful happened in the past, for a part of it, is still happening. So I would say: “This is what it wants to show me is/was happening.” Or in your case, “It wants to show me that something that is/was happening felt like a child at a window ledge with an adult slamming the window down on her fingers.”
Good for you, for being aware that another part of you is/was finding it hard to be with this. This is a reminder to really establish a lot of Self-in-Presence. As Self-in-Presence, YOU are not afraid. You are strong, and you can be like a rock of strength for something in you that needs company, even when what is going on is really strong….and at the same time you can acknowledge something in you finding it really hard to hear, hard to take.
It’s a positive sign, that you have done enough Focusing and created enough inner safety that this deep level of process is coming now.
Fear not (or say Hello to something afraid) — because you can trust the process. This is deep…and needs steady company…and will move through in its own timing.
“Maybe this is more than personal — my mother worried about everything.”
I emailed the response above to Vicky and she wrote back: “Thanks for your reassuring response! It does feel right that something in me is saying that events in my past FELT this bad. I remember that we can only go as fast as our slowest part so I’ve spent some time with the part that doesn’t want to witness any more painful scenes and let it know that I won’t invite these scenes unless it feels it can handle watching them.”
Ann: Good!
Vicky: That calmed down the whole inner turmoil.
Ann: Interesting how that happens!
Vicky: I’m not sure what the part that wants to show me these scenes is doing now. Seems like it conveyed its point about the intense pain and so feels heard.
Ann: And maybe that’s all that was needed.
Vicky: I think my mother had horrifying scenes playing out inside her — she worried about everything. So maybe this is more than personal, which adds to the intensity.
Ann: It’s quite possible that traumatized states can cross over generations, a grim inheritance. The good news is that Focusing lets us work with that too. The key is to stay open and not be insistent on knowing who this happened to or even whether it really happened. Just be Self-in-Presence, keep it company, sense it exactly…and it its own timing it changes in the direction it needed to change.
