“The Companion affirms the Focuser’s emotional soundtrack.”
Emily, who is in my certification training, has something to add to my response two weeks ago to a reader who felt her Focusing partner was just reflecting superficially, and didn’t feel heard. I suggested checking out whether the partner had gotten distracted, and talked about deeper levels of empathy.
Emily writes to me:
“All the things you describe are essential–they need to be there. But having my Companion reflect with some indication of the meaning in their vocal quality is really the biggest feedback to me that they are ‘with’ me. The thing that really seems to help others feel held, when I companion them, or me feel held when I focus, is that vocal quality.
“I’m remembering the one shy quiet man I companioned in a training group, who said in a very matter of fact, flat way, ‘Yeah, my mom used to beat me and my brother every day.’ And I said it back, ‘Oh..! You’re remembering how your mom would beat you both every DAY..??!!!’ Obviously it’s hard to capture a tone of voice in typed words — but in my experience, everyone I’ve worked with FEELS the effects of this and likes it, even if they don’t know why it is they felt so ‘held’. And no wonder, because as we discussed in the training, what you are doing as a companion is affirming their ’emotional soundtrack’….or, as in the case of my shy quiet guy, you are helping him restore it — to get back in touch with the embodied energy of it.
“Yes, I’m realizing I’m just really curious how you would teach this! It’s quite a subtle skill and really has to come from the heart, too, doesn’t it–it has to be genuine. Hmm. Am curious to hear your reaction.”
“My father just died…” “Your father just died.”
Thank you, Emily! I agree!
You remind me of something I heard about teaching listening from Gene Gendlin. He says the listener (what we call the Companion) has to take in what the Focuser says. If you really take in what the Focuser says, if you “get it,” then your human presence will come through naturally in your reflection.
Gene gives the example of a Focuser saying, “My father just died.” If you hear a listener simply repeat, “Your father just died,” you know that this is a person who did not take in what was said!
The words said back might be the same, but you would hear the “Oh!… Your father just died….” just as in your example. This is not a technique, it is what happens naturally if the listener (Companion) is aware and present in the body and in the relationship.
Some people think they are not supposed to show emotion as a Companion. Not at all. As a Companion, you are present as yourself. It’s just that this is not a conversation and it is not about you.
It’s endlessly interesting to me, this Focuser-Companion relationship. Soon we will have some examples of this on our website; I will announce it here when they are up.
