“Could emotional eating be helped if I separate feelings from actions?”
Deborah writes: “Might you speak more to this comment you wrote last week: ‘I think it is important to “un-link” feelings and actions. There is no feeling that leads inevitably to some action. We have choice in our actions, not so much in our feelings.’?
“I was wondering how that relates to emotional eating, eating to stuff down feelings. I often get stuck in this mode of eating. I get confused, wondering if there is a part that learned to cover feelings with this ‘habit’. I am not sure if I am listening to a part that has addictive ways or a protector part that doesn’t want me to feel.
“But what you are saying – separate the feeling from the action – might be a new approach. If I separate the feelings from the action of eating, then perhaps I can do eating in a loving good-choice-making way while listening to the ‘resistance’? Might that be the best approach?”
Dear Deborah,
Emotional eating is one of those complex and tangled life issues that Focusing can help with, over time, especially if we can separate out the various parts involved and listen deeply to each one.
It sounds like you have been struggling with this issue for a while, and part of the confusion has been whether the part that eats is a part with addictive habits or a part that is trying to protect you from feelings, or all of the above.
I would say it’s probably all of the above, but it does not matter.
What Barbara McGavin and I discovered is that we do not have to know in advance about the motivations or emotions of a part we are inviting into contact. All we need to know is that it exists.
You would sit down to do Focusing, and invite the part of you that wants to eat even when not hungry. You certainly want to be Self-in-Presence when you do this!
There is likely to be another part that will need to be said Hello to, and that is the part of you that is eager for change, tired of feeling out of control, tired of being heavier than you might like, tired of health issues, etc — whatever it is for you. If it is THAT part, and not you as Self-in-Presence, that tries to invite the wanting-to-eat part into dialogue, my experience is that this process will not work.
So say Hello to that part, and find out if it needs to have the first turn to tell you more about how much it has been suffering, how frustrated it feels, etc. You would keep on letting it know you hear it until there is a sense of relief.
Listening to the part that wants to eat
Being Self-in-Presence, you are making an accepting space for the part that wants to eat. You are not telling it what to do or not do. Action is not the issue right now.
There is something – probably an emotional state or contact with another part of you – that it has been trying to keep from happening.
But it is doubtful that it will be willing to show or tell you about that right away. First, trust needs to be established. You’ll probably spend a fair amount of time just being with it, sensing it and sensing how it would like you to be with it.
This might take many sessions. In the meantime, emotional eating might happen. What I would suggest is being as aware as possible, without blame. Just notice what the feelings are and what happens.
It should theoretically be possible to choose, from Self-in-Presence, not to do emotional eating. But this is extremely tricky, because the other part that is so tired of the emotional eating process is likely to sneak in and pretend to be Self-in-Presence, and again, in my experience, this is not a way out. It just perpetuates the endless war.
I wrote about this recently in Tip #342.
I have seen the emotional eating pattern change significantly for people, using these “Treasure Maps” Focusing skills. The key to it all is being Self-in-Presence, inviting the various parts into awareness, and listening.
Again, my point from above: to invite a part you do not need to know its name, its motives, or its needs. You just need to know what it does. “I’d like to get to know the part of me that ate the whole plate of brownies.” That invitation will do it.
