“When it swept away another feeling, I knew it could not be Presence.”

A Reader writes: 

As a Focusing practitioner, I would like some advice on how to be with a part that is “taking the Focuser over” by being calm and soothing. In fact, it is so subtle that it seems to be mimicking the Focuser’s Presence. 

The Focuser can come into Presence with “something” regarding an issue but soon after this part comes in, softy and gently “taking over,” as if it is “enticing” the Focuser to come where it feels so nice.  

Suspecting that this was a part, and after the Focuser was with it for awhile, I invited the Focuser to sense where was feeling that in the body. The response was that it was all over the body.  

Shortly after renewing a sense of Presence, this good feeling sensation was back. I invited the Focuser to further describe that “something” and the description was “calm.” After a while, when invited to sense if there was something it was wanting and/or not wanting, the Focuser’s response was that there was no wanting or not wanting, this “something” just “is.” The part seemed to be strong and yet it was responding in such a nice, subtle way. In our last session, I was wondering if it was indeed Presence (Focusing processes differ) until it swept away another “something” that had formed. That could not be Presence! However it seemed to be able to “soothe” the Focuser and perhaps there is not much incentive to be with another “something” from that “soft, calm place.”  

Ann, what would you suggest to help in these cases?

Dear Reader,

I agree that a soothing feeling that sweeps away other feelings could not itself be Self-in-Presence. When we are Self-in-Presence, we welcome and turn toward any other feeling, allowing whatever is here to be felt as it is.

So the calm, soothing feeling is something else. You suspect it is a part. I wonder if it might be sent by a part. There is a difference.

When a person who is Focusing gets close to painful experiences that something finds scary, we may find that person suddenly getting sleepy, or going blank. That doesn’t mean that the sleepiness is a part. I prefer what happens when I say, “Perhaps something is sending the sleepiness.”

The “sleepiness” itself is hard to say hello to, and has nothing that it needs or wants. But “something that is sending the sleepiness” can emerge for a conversation about what it is scared might happen if it doesn’t make the person sleepy right now.

So no wonder this soothing feeling is felt all over the body, and can only be described as “calm,” and doesn’t have anything it is wanting or not wanting… if it itself isn’t a part. The conversation needs to happen at a higher level, so to speak. And a good time for that is right at the moment when the “sweeping away” happens. 

Like this:

Focuser: I have a tightness in my throat when I think about my issue.

You: Maybe you could stay with that tightness a while.

Focuser: It got swept away by this nice calm soothing feeling moving through my whole body.

You: Oh, something swept it away! Maybe you could acknowledge that something in you felt the need to sweep it away. Maybe it would be possible to make a space where both can be there… the tightness and the something that wants to sweep it away.

“There is not much incentive to be with another something…”

You say there is “not much incentive to be with another ‘something’ from that ‘soft, calm’ place.” I appreciate your empathy for what that’s like for the person you are working with…. but let’s offer some incentive! Sometimes people need our help to understand the purpose of inviting felt senses. A little teaching moment could turn things around.

Focuser: The nice soothing feeling made the painful feeling disappear.

You: Oh, that’s kind of too bad! We were hoping the painful feeling would stay around long enough so you could get to know it better.

Focuser: I just want to feel better.

You: Of course! No wonder, if there has been a painful feeling, you would want to feel better. So here is how you could do that, if you like. You could BE this calm, soothing feeling… and invite the feeling that was painful to be here again, so you can get to know it better. YOU can still be calm… and feel something in you that isn’t so calm. Shall we try it?

Focuser: Why would I want to feel something painful?

You: Good for you for asking. A challenging feeling like pain is a signal that something isn’t right. When we bring awareness to it with radical acceptance and interested curiosity, it has space to take its own next steps. It changes in the direction of your fuller life. I’d love to show you how.