“The result must look like this!”
Cathy writes:
I did a Focusing exercise that invited us to sense the “wanting.” In my Focusing, I noticed an initial wanting that I experienced as frantic, demanding, and “the result must look like this” energy. This wanting feels familiar because I have “wanted” (with this type of energy) the situation to change for a long time.
Then I came to a different kind of wanting, one that was deeper, calmer, more open, and willing not to know exactly what change would look like.
The two experiences of wanting feel so different that the same word “wanting” feels misleading. I wonder if different words might be useful or perhaps different descriptors, such as, frantic wanting vs. deep wanting.
Dear Cathy,
What I love about language is that it is so adaptable! It sounds like you are well on your way to describing a very important distinction.
To me what you have described is the difference between the wanting of a part (or partial-self) and the wanting of one’s whole self (or self-in-presence).
“What I want” can feel so many different ways, including frantic or deep, demanding or open, desperate or relaxed. The important thing is to sense the quality of the wanting, whatever it is.
And then — I love this — even the wanting that has a desperate, frantic, “the result must look like this” quality about it can yield a positive next step. It doesn’t have to stop feeling how it feels. It just needs for YOU to be with it with compassion and curiosity.
How to invite the next step when there is a desperate wanting.
First, use Presence language. “I am sensing something in me really wants ______ and feels quite desperate and frantic about it.”
Acknowledge. “I am letting it know I know it’s there.”
Invite what it is not-wanting. (Really? – Yes, if there is a “wanting” that is desperate and frantic, it is surely not wanting something as well.)
“I am inviting it to let me know what it is not wanting to happen if I don’t get what it wants.”
And then, whatever comes next, let it know you hear it. You’ll probably notice that when this part of you experiences that you are listening to it respectfully, it’s very likely to calm down.
Very likely you’ll soon start to sense the other kind of wanting emerging from this very same place…like a wanting for you to have connection, warmth, peace…as you feel those feelings in your body right now. Enjoy!