Is it possible you are making things worse by returning to painful events and feelings? Read on…
Christina writes:
I had a bad work experience on Wednesday where people were tearing apart my work in a critiquing session. By the end I was very upset and had a migraine.
I tried to do Focusing during the session, but my efforts were overwhelmed by the feeling of being attacked. I’ve done Focusing with these feelings in the days since.
My question is, am I prolonging and making the situation worse by perhaps “focusing” (in the other sense!) on it too much? Instead of dealing with it and moving on, I am still revisiting and perhaps reinforcing the negative feelings.
Dear Christina:
In my view, the people (and the parts of us) that tell us not to dwell on things have got it the wrong way around. We don’t have the painful feelings because we are dwelling on them. We have the painful feelings because something there still needs our attention.
Of course it is possible to dwell on our feelings unproductively. When we find ourselves having repetitive thoughts and painful memories, with no sense of fresh insight or relief, there is a kind of stuckness to that.
And a part of us thinks the answer is to “deal with it and move on!”
That was the world I grew up in, where there were only two choices about our emotions… to be taken over by them, or to suppress them.
What a miracle it was for me to discover Focusing, to discover that there is a third way!
The question is not whether or not you are dwelling on your feelings from that horrible critiquing session. The question is how you are being with your feelings.
The key is to un-merge from the feelings, by saying “I am sensing something in me is feeling ___________.” And then be a kind, compassionate listener to the part of you that is carrying those painful feelings. What was the worst of it for that part of you? (You don’t know already… you need to listen.)
Being critiqued like that might have triggered younger parts of you carrying trauma from an earlier time in your life. When you can be present for your feelings and not merged with them, even those earlier traumatized parts can begin to heal. And what a relief that will be!
