Focusing Tip #703 – “I struggle with feelings of failure, shame, inadequacy…”

If you feel that old negative beliefs about yourself are coming up more strongly now… Read on…

Wendy writes:

I wondered if you might speak to the topic of being with (and unmerging more from) the part I’m very aware of currently that has deep core feelings of “I’m not good enough/I’m no good…”, failure, shame, inadequacy, etc.

I know this is a big topic! It’s not specific to coronavirus times but maybe difficult “stuff” arises more strongly in these times.

I’ve worked quite a lot over the years with this place in various ways but I still can really struggle with it, and feel it has impacted my life throughout.

Dear Wendy:

I do think that these old painful feelings can arise more strongly in challenging times. Which means this is an opportunity!

Yes, you can un-merge from a part of you feeling “not good enough” and carrying shame. By saying, “I am sensing something in me that feels not good enough.”

And then forming a relationship with that “younger you” inside who is still frozen in that early time that gave rise to these feelings and beliefs. Giving empathy and compassion to that “younger you.”

It can be hard to have empathy and compassion for a part of you that feels you’re not good enough! But here is how I see it:

Kids try to make sense of the world.

If hard things happened in your childhood — if you felt unsafe, uncertain what would come at you — you’d be likely to think it was because you were wrong somehow. It’s actually the “safest” assumption! It’s a lot scarier to think that there is something wrong with our parents!

So “I’m bad, I’m not good enough” is a way of understanding the world that at least makes sense, even though it is wrong. The drive to have the world make sense is a very strong one!

And the way to shift that whole worldview is to have empathy and compassion for the younger you who had hard things happen and tried to make it make sense… and you can say to her, “I really hear how hard that was for you… and still is… and how much you wanted it to make sense… and I am here with you now.”