When parts of us are fiercely battling each other, what can we do? Read on…
Elizabeth writes:
Several people I know talk about having a “bar-room” of characters inside themselves fighting each other and trying to be heard. How do you cope with multiple warring factions within?
Dear Elizabeth:
In last week’s Tip I talked about how it’s simply human to have contradictory feelings. It’s also quite common for the parts of us that have different feelings to fight with each other… sometimes fiercely!
Sometimes our parts seem locked in eternal battle, as in the case of Carrie, who told me: “I’ve got this people-pleasing part that always appeases others, and I’ve got another part of me that is furious at that one for making me miss my own chances to grow. The fight goes on and neither one can win.”
That’s true. There can be no winners when parts contend with each other. We’re caught in a trap when we think we have to mediate between then and discover who’s right and who’s wrong.
It’s not a matter of right and wrong. It’s a matter of inner relationship.
What’s missing when parts fight each other is YOU. You showing up as Self-in-Presence, ready and able to listen to each one so that each one gets in touch with and reveals its deeper purposes for you.
So here’s my tip: When two parts fight each other inside you, say to each one, “Hello, I’m here!” This may surprise them!
Imagine you are stepping in between them, and saying to each one: “Hello, I’m here now, please talk to me!” (Don’t worry, unlike in a real bar fight, you won’t get hurt!)
Each of your inner parts can let you know what is really bothering it, and you can listen. Listen below the level of action (“We have to do this”) until you get to the level of feelings (“I’m afraid if we don’t do this, we’ll get rejected.”) “I really hear how much you are not wanting us to get rejected.”
When your parts feel heard for what they care about the most, something new can happen… because the fights were about strategies, but the way forward comes from your whole self.
