Focusing Tip #716 – Can our parts work things out with each other?

If you have inner parts in conflict, can’t you mediate between them? Read on…

Maria writes:

In one of your seminars you suggested that the different parts are not to talk to each other, they are to communicate with the witnessing presence and the witnessing presence is to hear both parties and have compassion for them.

I am curious why are you suggesting no communication between parts. Wouldn’t it make a difference if the parts could sort things out with each other in the presence of the witness?

Dear Maria:

It all turns on the question: What are “parts”?

If parts are like little people inside of us, then of course it would make sense to help them learn good communication skills and work things out with each other.

But that’s not what Barbara McGavin and I think parts are.

In Inner Relationship Focusing, a part is a split-off, limited aspect that has only some of the abilities and perspectives of the whole self. Parts are not entities or little people. They are basically “loops” – places where ongoing process has gotten partially stopped and therefore has to repeat.

All parts are temporary. They arise and fall, like waves in the ocean.

And ideally, it’s not your parts that should be living your life. It’s you. You as your whole self, you as Self-in-Presence. So we don’t want or need to help our parts get better at living. We just want to help them relax and stop worrying so much!

Your parts don’t know that you are Self-in-Presence. They were formed in a time when Self-in-Presence was missing.

That’s why giving empathy to your parts is such a life-changing thing to do. When you give empathy to your parts, you are supplying the missing relationship they’ve always been longing for. And that’s really all they need.