Untangling Musings - Where do Parts come from?

It’s January. We have been thinking about how things might be different this year–maybe you have too.

You’re probably curious about when our Untangling book will be finished. Good news! It’s nearly done! We’ve worked on it intensively for the past three years.

Would you like to read an excerpt? Here’s a section called “Where do Parts come from?”

An excerpt from the Untangling book:

Your Tangle originally formed because you faced a situation that proved impossible for you to deal with. You were confronted with a “damned if I do, damned if I don’t” dilemma. Dealing with it would have meant having to do something that felt just too dangerous. There are many kinds of danger you might have faced, but the danger that creates Tangles threatens your connections with the people who are essential in your life. Those important people around you, even if they loved you—and most people do love their kids—were actually part of what made the situation impossible to resolve.

Ann’s father was emotionally distant and sometimes sarcastic. Compared to what many other kids suffer, that might not seem so bad. Yet Ann’s most tangled Tangles led back to all the times she reached for her father for love and approval, and over and over he turned away. It became impossible for Ann to directly seek love and approval from her father. Later in her life this affected all her close relationships with men.

In Barbara’s family expressing any kind of “negative” emotion was quickly squelched. She vividly remembers her father saying, “The McGavins don’t feel nervous.” She came to feel the only safe thing to do with all her emotions was to hide them.

Most of the people who have done Untangling with us have had painful experiences with their parents or siblings, teachers, schoolmates, people in some kind of position of power over them. When they were exuberant, they were mocked. When they shared something they had made, they were ignored. When their boundaries were disrespected, it wasn’t safe to speak up. They have been criticized, belittled, controlled, dismissed, betrayed. Some have been physically attacked. They were not safe to be themselves, freely and openly. They were not safe to express their needs for support, understanding, help or love.

When something difficult happens…

Something difficult happens. Your body has a feeling of the forward momentum of life being stopped. You also have an emotional reaction to the difficulty. You might feel frustrated or bewildered or upset or sad or angry or scared about it. These emotional reactions are a natural part of your body’s response to not being able to get your life moving again in the way that would be right for you.

When you can’t resolve the tough, confusing situation you’re facing, and the feelings about your life being blocked cannot be felt, those feelings become frozen. When feelings are frozen, they cannot shift and evolve. In that impossible situation, you could not live freely in any of the ways that would have been right for you. What should have been a straightforward, if painful, experience has now become stuck—stopped. We call this a Stoppage—and from a Stoppage, Parts develop.