Focusing Tip #874 – Self Love + Regret – “If I love myself, does that mean I’m not sorry for what I’ve done?”

“I did some pretty bad things in the past, and because of that I find it difficult to love myself.”

Does shame about things you’ve done keep you from self-love? Read on…

A Reader writes:

I did some pretty bad things in the past, and because of that I find it difficult to love myself. I often feel I actually disapprove of myself. I carry shame about all that, and try to keep that part of my life tucked away.

I’ve heard you say it’s important to love yourself — but wouldn’t that mean I wasn’t sorry about those things I did?

Dear Reader:

Me too. I’ve also done some things in the past that make me cringe. And I am sorry I did them, very sorry. I’ve made amends the best I can, but I still have regrets.

And I do love myself. So what I’m saying is, the two are not contradictory!

What helps me is to remember that the person who did those things was a younger version of me, one who didn’t have the resources and the accumulated wisdom that I have now.

I can put my hand on my heart and invite that “younger me” into a gentle relationship. I can say to her: “I’m here to listen, please let me know how you were feeling and what was going on for you.”

And what I get, usually, is a tale of overwhelm and anxiety. The poor choices that I made were made by a part of me that was driven by something that felt unbearable.

I can feel that the younger me was missing the support and the Self-in-Presence she would have needed, to make a different choice.

And that melts my heart, and opens my compassion. I no longer feel I have to cringe. Yes, I did those things. And I’m sorry. But that doesn’t mean I can’t love and appreciate myself.

Loving yourself is a practice. It may feel odd at first. So start with something simple. Rather than “I love you,” start with a simple friendly Hello.

“I’m saying Hello to myself, and all my parts.” Say it in a warm voice. Put your hand on your heart, if that helps. (For me it does.)

And remember, you can love someone who isn’t perfect. If that weren’t true, we’d all be in trouble! But no, perfection is not required. Just being willing to listen and to grow.