What if you are full of feelings about a family member’s illness and pain? Read on…
A Reader writes:
My adult son has been diagnosed with a painful terminal illness. I am very sad, and also scared about what he is going to go through. I find it hard to deal with his depressive feelings, as if I’m absorbing his pain. I hope you can give me some advice.
Dear Reader:
I’m very sorry that you and your family are having to go through this hard time.
I suspect you are having a lot of feelings. You are sad. You are anticipating the grief of losing your son, and anticipating the harder times that will come soon, when he is unable to care for himself or communicate with you. You might be feeling helpless, longing to be able to help him more than you can. And you might even be feeling angry — at the illness, at fate, etc. Sorry for him, sorry for yourself… there is bound to be a lot.
What can we do when we have a lot of feelings?
I’d suggest you take some quiet time for yourself, and say hello to your feelings one by one. Maybe you can take a piece of paper and write them down, or draw them. Be gentle to yourself, and gentle to each feeling that you find. You can treat each feeling as something precious inside you, something that makes sense. You can say to each one: “No wonder you feel that way.”
This much I know: It doesn’t work to try to not feel what we feel.
So say Hello to each feeling, and let it know it has a place in you. You have room for them all.
After you acknowledge them all, you can let one of them come forward, and let it tell you more about itself. “Something in me is feeling so sad because…” And then let it know you hear it.
And what about your son’s feelings? If you’ve made room for your own feelings, it will be easier for you to make room for his as well. His feelings also make sense, and they also need to be heard.
Maybe you’ll say, “I know this is really hard for you, my dear. Of course. And I’m here with you.”
