What if you are inviting someone to pause and feel, and they don’t want to? Read on…
Alan asks:
I keep returning to your Inner Relationship Focusing, having read Focusing in Clinical Practice. I use this in my coaching work regularly and in my own development.
One thing I get curious about, both in myself and the folks I support, is how to get past that initial resistance? What if the invitation to say “I’m sensing something in me doesn’t want to sense…” brings an immediate “No” response? I have an answer, which is to welcome and be with that, but sometimes folks can’t even do that much.
Dear Alan:
And no wonder! If one is in the mood to say “No,” why would one say “Yes” to anything?
I say this with a smile, because I’ve certainly had times in my life when I didn’t want to cooperate, I didn’t want to be friendly, I didn’t want to do anything I was supposed to do.
When a client pushes back at me, I’ve learned to be happy about it!
I learned this from Gene Gendlin, who liked to tell a story about the time he said to a client, “Maybe you can feel that in your body…”
And the client said, “No! I’m not doing that!”
Gene’s first reaction was “Oof!” But a moment later he realized that this pushback from the client had life energy in it. How great to have such strength to say No!
Gene said to the client, warmly, “Ah, of course! You’re not doing that!”
So far so good… but what comes next? If, as you say, you invite the client to welcome and be with that refusal, that invitation may also be refused.
So perhaps this is not a moment for invitations. Perhaps this is a moment for you to simply be accepting. With your own body, to be an accepting presence for what is coming in your client.
Pause and check in with yourself, to make sure that you are saying Hello to any part in you that is trying to get the client to do something. They don’t have to do anything! Here we are, just being human together.
As I learned from Gene Gendlin, when what is here is accepted, there is always something next. “If you are willing to receive this message in a friendly way, there will be another.” The process itself can be trusted.
