“It’s too intense and I can’t be with it”
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Fanta writes: “About weaving Focusing into a conversation or helping a friend in distress, a question I have is when someone is feeling an intense emotion like terror. They are usually overwhelmed and often identified with it. So any hints on how to help a friend or even another Focuser when they say it is too intense and they can’t be with it…”
Dear Fanta,
These are two interesting questions that I would answer rather differently… because when you are with a Focusing partner who is feeling overwhelmed, at least you still share assumptions about what Focusing is and what kind of helping situation you’re in.
When you’re helping a friend in distress and they don’t know Focusing, that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?
So let’s start with the easier question, helping someone who already knows Focusing. And let’s say that this person is saying to you something like, “This body feeling is too intense! I can’t be with it.”
Well, the first thing to say to that is, calmly, “OK.”
After all, the body is wise, we trust it, and if it’s not possible to be with something, that’s OK.
Then you could add, “And maybe you could just be with the not-wanting to be with it.”
(That might sound odd… but what I like to say it, it’s always possible to be with something … and if not the first feeling, maybe you can be with the feeling about the feeling.)
Notice the key word “calmly” in the recommendation above. When your Focusing partner or your friend is feeling overwhelmed, by far the most important way you can be help is to be calm. And not only calm: trusting, compassionate, and warm. In other words, YOU be Self-in-Presence.
What I’ve found is that if I stay in my own body, feel my feet and my seat … and my breathing … that I get in touch with a deep calm faith that this person I’m sitting with is actually OK. Yes they are feeling terrified, in distress, overwhelmed, but also, under all that, they are OK. And I suspect that comes through in the tone of my voice.
There is a list of things you can DO, but none of them will matter if YOU are not Self-in-Presence yourself.
If Your Friend-in-Distress Doesn’t Know Focusing
If your friend doesn’t know Focusing, what’s most important is exactly the same. YOU be Self-in-Presence. Being calm doesn’t mean you are unmoved or unfeeling. You could be sorry that your friend is going through such a hard time, and concerned about the circumstances of her story. But you are keeping your own feelings company, not drowning in them… and that forms a container and a model for your friend, even if never made explicit.
I’m thinking back to times when I’ve been in the situation we’re talking about. I try not to respond with a formula or technique. What has felt more deeply right and satisfying is to be genuine. I might find myself saying, “That sounds really hard.” Or, “I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this.” I try to take my cues from what the person seems to be asking me. If they are telling a story, I’ll listen. But if they ask for help, that’s different. I’m willing to try to help.
Asking for help might sound like this: “I wish there was some way to not feel so terrified!”
If I heard that kind of request, I might reply, “Well, I do know of some ways that might help. We could try them if you want.”
And if the person says “Yes, please,” I might say something like this:
“What I like to do is start with feeling my body contact on what I’m sitting on, just feeling that support.” (And I’m doing this myself, as I say it.) “Feeling my feet, feeling my seat, my back… resting into the support that’s there… and then including the sense of my throat… chest… stomach… belly… Just taking time. … And maybe there is something there that is possible to simply be with. Not to plunge all the way in the middle, but just to touch it lightly. Saying yes, that’s there.”
This is just an example… what you’d actually say comes from the moment and the contact and your Self-in-Presence. And waiting until you’re asked.
