"I can't shake the feeling that I will fail"
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Miriam writes: "An issue recently has been
bothering me and I can't seem to get over it. I'm in my first year of
school, and in the beginning I was very determined to do well. I worked
hard and got all A's. But recently I couldn't shake the feeling that
said 'you/I will fail.' I began feeling as though I am on this 'path'
to failure, like it's inevitable, like that's 'what
going to happen for sure.' If I reframe it and say 'I
will pass' it feels like 'yeah right,' (sarcastically) but for 'I will
fail' it feels like 'I just know for sure,' 'undoubtedly,' 'yeah that's
where I'm going.' This has been affecting my performance on recent
assignments. Please help. I am absolutely
terrified of failing my courses!"
Dear Miriam,
That does sound difficult. I really hear how hard that can be, to be in
a downward spiral, with "I will fail" sounding in your ears and feeling
true, "undoubtedly."
You've
already tried reframing, saying "I will pass" instead, and that didn't
help at all–it just aroused the sarcasm of that critical feeling.
So I have a
suggestion. Rather than saying "I will pass," try saying,
"Something in me is worried that I will fail."
A part that says "I will fail" is
actually worried that that is true. Right? Take a moment just to confirm this with yourself: it's a part of you that's worried you will fail.
It says, "I will fail." (Or "you will fail.") But it's actually expressing its worry.
The
trouble is that it doesn't sound worried–it sounds quite certain. This
profoundly confuses and frightens other parts of you!
We need YOU in here: you as Self-in-Presence, understanding that a critical part that predicts doom is actually worried.
No exceptions. Just as a mother who yells at a child "You'll catch your
death of cold!" is actually worried that that will happen, rather than
predicting it.
So say "Something in me is worried I will fail," and then find the worried place in the body, and
treat it very gently, like you would treat a scared child.
Soon you will feel that it doesn't want you to
fail, it just is SO worried that that will happen.
[After
I wrote this to Miriam in an email, I heard back from her that things
were going much better after trying this little move. Focusing is
amazing!]
