May 1 2007 – #109

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"What if I want to kill this person?"
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Manju writes: "I was talking about listening
to our feelings, and someone asked me...
'what if i want to kill this person?'  I told
her about the difference between acceptance
in the inner world and acting on things, and
I suggested really welcoming and listening to
the something that wanted to do that. She
told me she tried that but it did not change
- the feeling/desire/part that wants to take
revenge just stays with her...  Of course she
isn't about to really do it but I wonder how
Focusing can bring a sense of change for her."

Dear Manju,
Such an interesting example! It brings out so
many points to discuss. You're so right that
the key distinction is between feelings and
actions.

Often our inner parts or aspects
tell us what they want to DO rather than how
they FEEL. This is so typical that we may not
even notice it has happened.

We don't even
notice that in a sequence like this:
"I'm wondering how you feel."
"I want to kill him."
an actual feeling has not been expressed!

When something in us recommends an action
rather than showing us a feeling, it is far
away from its potential to change, no matter
whether the action is
to kill someone or to ask someone for a date.

Barbara McGavin and I have developed some
invitations that help find the life-forward
direction in any "action recommendation." We
call this the Not-Wanting/Wanting process.

You start by inviting the part of you that
recommends the action to let you know what it
is worried will happen if you DON'T do the
action. It may take a bit of patience but
we've found that underneath there is always a
feeling state that it (this part) is not
wanting us to have to feel.

Example: "I have to just end the friendship
and never speak to him again." (A mild form
of killing!)

"You might acknowledge something in
you that says you have to end the
friendship and never speak to him again... 
And you might invite it to let you know what
it's worried will happen if you don't end the
friendship..."

"It's worried I'm going to feel betrayed
again..." 

"Maybe you could let it know you
hear it... and then you might invite it to
let you
know what it doesn't want you to have to feel
from getting betrayed again."

"It doesn't
want me to feel this sick, sinking feeling
that I can feel a little bit in my
stomach."

"So maybe you could acknowledge
that... and see if it's OK to stay with
it."

Staying with this presently felt
experience will be quite different from any
kind of inner discussion about taking the
action or not. I think we can feel that THIS
is on the way to some kind of shift,
especially when held with gentle, interested
curiosity.