“I feel imprisoned in a relationship but terrified to leave.”
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A Reader writes: “I am in a couple relationship, living with a man for 20 years, but I feel ‘imprisoned’, so I feel I have to make a major decision about continuing with it. When I do Focusing on this relationship, fear (not love or companionship) always appears. My background: I am 76 years old and terrified at the idea that something might happen in my brain and I would become dependent. I have nobody younger to trust to take care of me and my affairs (my only daughter died and I have no brothers or sisters).
“I know that whatever will be, will be, and that what I need is to live TODAY as well as I can, whatever time I have left. But I cannot tell that to the fear. My fear is so powerful!”
Dear Reader,
That sounds like a difficult position to be in… where both choices feel hard. If you stay in the relationship, you feel imprisoned. But if you think about leaving, you feel scared of having no one to take care of you. You KNOW that what you need is to live today as well as you can… but you cannot tell that to the scared part of you.
Well, you CAN tell it… but telling the scared part about living today as well as you can and “whatever will be, will be” doesn’t make it stop being scared. Right?
And maybe it doesn’t have to stop being scared! Maybe YOU can still make your best choice and move forward with your life even though a part of you is scared.
Think about it: if we have to wait until our scared parts stop being scared in order to take action, then we really ARE at the mercy of our feelings. And our feeling parts are under a great deal of pressure to change how they feel.
Wouldn’t it be great if the emotional parts of us can feel however they feel and they don’t hold us back? They can be scared and we can still take the action we need? Then we don’t have to wait until the “scared” is finished, we don’t have to try to persuade or convince it not to be scared.
Reader, when you say that your fear is so powerful… perhaps that is what you mean. That you don’t feel you can move forward as long as it is afraid. But maybe what is needed is not for IT to be less powerful… but for YOU to be more powerful.
What would that be like? Read on…
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When I say “YOU be powerful” I am talking about the experience of being Self-in-Presence–bigger than your fears, bigger than all your feelings. In the spaciousness of Self-in-Presence, the scared part can still be scared–and it can also get some of the comfort it has been needing. It doesn’t HAVE to change… but it will, naturally and organically.
Cultivating Self-in-Presence can be done in many ways. You can find what feels open, flowing, warm, alive, supported in
your body right now. Maybe when you do that, you feel a deeper breath starting to come. There may be a movement, shoulders back perhaps, or arms wider. Or you could remember times when you’ve felt flowing and supported in this way in the presence of another person…
Notice: we don’t cultivate Self-in-Presence instead of being scared, or to make scared feelings go away. Rather, this is our larger Self that can include the scared part without needing it to change. From here, from Self-in-Presence, we can turn toward the parts that have feelings, including fear, and let them know we are with them.
From here, we can listen. This is key. We can tell them nothing, because they would not be ready to hear… but when we listen to how THEY are, something very important begins to transform. When you can be the compassionate listener to the part that is scared, it doesn’t have to be quite so scared. Let it tell you what worries it… and just let it know you hear it. (Don’t say “BUT….”!)
This combination–feeling the strength of being Self-in-Presence, and giving compassionate listening to scared parts–adds up to the possibility of being able to take real action in a way that feels right to your whole self.
