“Can I focus with my life partner during a relationship crisis?”
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Boris writes: “How useful is it to focus with your life partner during and on a partnership crisis? We both know Focusing, we have listened to each other a lot and it has greatly helped us to understand ourselves and each other. So our relationship has benefitted from Focusing. But there have been unsettling moments before, when the listener felt entangled, involved in, or addressed by the focuser’s process. So our relationship also seems to confine partnership Focusing.
“I know it probably depends on the exact nature of the binding patterns, issues and fears each partner brings into the relationship, and the exact nature of the crisis, but would you generally suggest to look for other Focusing partners in this case or do you know some precautions or rules to follow to make Focusing a remedy for partners in times of crisis?”
Dear Boris,
How lucky that you have a life partner who wants to do Focusing and wants to exchange Focusing turns with you! Many people would envy you. A lot of us wish we could share Focusing with the person closest to us, but that person just isn’t interested.
But… You’re right, Focusing with a life partner does need a lot more care than Focusing with someone you don’t have any other connection with. Is the extra care worth the trouble? Yes, of course it is. AND we should not expect Focusing with a life partner to be smooth as it is with a person we met in a workshop.
So yes, I do have some tips for you. First, let me share what Focusing teacher Christel Kraft said when I asked how she and her husband Siegfried had been such successful Focusing partners for so many years. “It’s easy,” Christel told me. “We never say what it’s about.”
That’s right–when Christel and Siegfried do Focusing as partners, they talk about the felt senses they are having but they don’t say what the issue is. And that works for them!
I’m not saying that this radical solution is necessary or even desirable for all life partners who want to become Focusing partners… but it is an option, at least for some of the times when you are concerned that your issue may trigger something for your partner.
Have Another Partner — and Take Time Out
I do think it’s a good idea for life partners who want exchange Focusing turns to also have other Focusing partners. Don’t wait until your relationship is in a crisis… because having a Focusing partner who has nothing to do with your life is a great gift, just as being able to exchange Focusing with your life partner is a great gift… and why not give yourself both of those gifts? (You might take a moment in your body to sense how that would feel.)
As for how to make Focusing work well when you and your life partner need to work through something difficult between you… I have two ideas. One is to look into Interactive Focusing. It’s a specific methodology for using Focusing on interpersonal issues, and there is a manual about it (by Janet Klein who developed it) that you can buy from the Focusing Institute store.
The other idea I have for you is to take time out. Focus together, and make an agreement that either one of you can ask for time out. “Time out” means you go into separate rooms, or take separate walks, and you’re each Focusing alone to get some space and perspective on your issues, until at an agreed time you come back together.
A third tip: You need EXTRA amounts of Self-in-Presence, and using Presence language can really help, as in: “I’m sensing that something in me feels angry and hurt at what you said, and I am saying hello to that part of me.”
Good luck!
