“I feel deeply ashamed of a condition in my body so I can’t be with it.”
A Reader writes:
“It came up tonight with my Focusing partner that I feel deeply ashamed – and that is very hard to be with. I don’t want to see how that feels in my body because it comes from there. I have psoriasis badly and have done so most of my life — it feels more like I have to endure it, rage at it, be resigned in relation to it — almost anything but sit beside it. This comes up again and again in Focusing and makes me feel there is little point to continuing with Focusing because any bodily felt sense will only ever be flawed and related to my skin. It might be better all round if I pay less or no attention to it. I can have little twittering felt senses and shifts around this but this is fundamental and too big. Have you any thoughts?”
Dear Reader,
I’m so glad you wrote. What you’ve been going through sounds difficult and emotionally painful, but Focusing can definitely help. I just need to show you a different way of understanding what we mean by “feeling in the body.”
For you, your body feels like the source of your torment…and your condition, labeled “psoriasis,” feels like something to endure, to rage at, or be resigned to.
But your body is more than your physical condition. Your body is you, acting, choosing, resting, living your life. Your body is the integration of many things, including how you feel about your physical condition.
Something in you feels you have to endure it, rage at it, be resigned to it…
This condition called “psoriasis” is something you have lived with a long time. You feel like YOU have to endure it, etc. But what if you try saying it this way: “Something in me feels I have to endure it.” And then pause, and get the feel of the enduring. Get the feel of having to endure. It sounds to me like that might feel rather heavy…but that’s me. You would pause and get the feel of that yourself.
“The feel of it” is already in your body. Feeling rage (for example) is already in your body. When you pause and sense and invite, you can feel it more clearly. It becomes “this” instead of “me.” This is a very important moment, when you have your feelings as “this, here” instead of “I am….” From here, change is possible.
If you choose to stay with the feel of it with interested curiosity, a lot can open. Truthfully, everything can open! You may want to read an article that Barbara McGavin wrote about Focusing with Small Physical Ailments, including Focusing with a skin condition.
Turning toward what we feel makes a space in which many possibilities open.