“I have a history of being abused and have found it rather difficult to put a hand anywhere on the body.”
A Reader writes:
I really like the gesture that you recommend, of placing a gentle hand on the body where “something” needs company.
And, I have a history of being abused and have found it rather difficult to put a hand anywhere on the body. When I sit with this, I usually sense several parts clamoring to the fore: (1) a terrified, alarmed, hyper-vigilant part not wanting the touch, (2) a part angry about the history of abuse and how it ripples into the present, (3) a part feeling sad about the whole situation, (4) a rather young part really thirsting for the gentle touch that won’t feel painful, and (5) a part feeling tired and resigned…that doesn’t want to deal with any of the above.
Dear Reader:
It’s already good that you noticed that this recommended gesture is not right for you — at least, not yet. You aren’t forcing yourself to do something that doesn’t fit for you. That alone is a healing process.
And there is something in you that is thirsting for gentle touch…and you would like to give it that touch, if only that would be possible.
Some Focusing teachers use an exercise called “The Approach Exercise.” Two people stand about 20 feet apart, facing each other. One stands still, sensing inwardly, while the other very slowly approaches. The one who is standing still uses hand signals to slow down or stop the one who is approaching, in accordance with what feels safe or unsafe, close enough or too close.
I think a version of that would be something you could try.
You would put your hand above the spot where you would have touched, if touching felt OK. The hand slowly approaches…but stops as soon as “something” feels it is too close.
The one who is alert and hyper-vigilant may be the one who stops the hand and says, “Come no closer!” That kind of part needs to be allowed — be Self-in-Presence — to stop things as long as necessary. If it knows that it will be honored, then often after a time it allows something more.
And something may already feel accompanied, just by having the hand at that distance. You will be able to sense that too, just by being with whatever comes.
