“When it comes to a part that makes me do things automatically, I don’t seem to get very far.”
A Reader writes:
I have tried a few times to do Focusing with the issue of biting my nails, which used to be a real problem from the ages of 6 to 19. Now it only happens during stressful periods of the year.
When I try to Focus with this issue, it seems impossible to access. A lot of my Focusing involves listening to chatty parts, and then spending time with the shyer parts, but when it comes to a part that makes me do things automatically, I don’t seem to get very far.
I would love to receive some tips about how to better be with a part like this. I don’t seem to be the presence it needs me to be.
Dear Reader:
Yes, Focusing can work with parts that take us over so quickly that it feels automatic. Barbara McGavin and I call this kind of takeover a “hijack,” and it often involves behaviors that we might say we are addicted to, and that protect us from stress. Biting the nails is a good example.
At the start of your Focusing session, say to yourself that you would like to invite the part of you that bites your nails, so you can get to know it better.
It’s important that you are coming from a place of interested curiosity (Self-in-Presence), not from a need to make it change.
You invite, and then you wait. Take your time. What comes may be quite nonverbal and hard to feel at first. It won’t be chatty… but it might be shy. It might also be rebellious, untrusting and angry. It might be physical, with no words at all.
We are open to however it comes. It needs to be OK if nothing comes. We know this: It bites the nails for a good reason. But don’t assume you know what the reason is. We don’t know yet, until we are in a relationship with it. We need to be open to being surprised.
Being with it as Self-in-Presence, you are open, curious, and sensing. It helps a lot to just describe how it feels in your body. Even if it doesn’t talk, it may show you images and memories. Just let it know you see what it is showing you and hear what it is telling you.
This type of part is sensitive to how it is treated, AND it is trying to help. There may be a lot of quiet and a lot of body-sensing in a session like this. You can ask it, “How would you like me to be with you?” You can also ask it, “What would you like be to be able to feel, from biting my nails?” The questions you ask are not as important as the relationship of inner attentiveness you create.
