Focusing Tip #642 – “I sabotaged my life…”

Focusing Tip #642 – “I sabotaged my life…”
January 30, 2019 Ann Weiser Cornell

Focusing Tip #642 – “I sabotaged my life…”

If you feel that you sabotaged your life, it might mean that a younger part of you needs your compassion. Read on…

A Reader writes:

I have a longing to help people. But I sabotaged my life to the point that this seems impossible. I also have a longing to find a partner who really loves me… but I don’t love myself… so this seems impossible as well. Can I use Focusing to learn to love myself so I can help others?

Dear Reader:

That sounds so painful, to long to help others and long to have a partner and find it all impossible because you don’t love yourself.

And yet… it’s so great that you are asking the question, how to learn to love yourself. Because it seems that is exactly where change is possible. Within you.

When you say that you sabotaged your life, I get the impression that you have regrets. Regretting choices we have made in the past can also be very painful. Regret and self-blame feed on each other, don’t they? Let’s see how we can begin to shift all that.

I’d like to introduce you to the “Younger You.” The Younger You is the one who made those “bad” choices and who is getting blamed now by worried parts of you who wish your life were different.

But he was younger then… he didn’t have the resources you have now.

I wonder what would happen if you put your hand on your heart and say that you’d like to invite a gentle relationship with that Younger You.

It’s important to put up a “flag of truce” – in other words, the Younger You will not be criticized or judged if he is willing to show up now.

(And if there is a part of you that is angry with him and wants to judge him, be sure to say a gentle Hello to that part too… so it is clear that YOU are not either one of these parts. You are the listener.)

This Younger You is a great starting place for loving yourself. If you can see that he did the best he could with the resources that he had, that opens the door to love and self-compassion. Which can change everything!

Would you like more help working self-love and self-compassion?

We have an on-demand course that can help:

Loving the Unlovable: Transforming Shame and Self-Blame

Loving the Unlovable: Transforming Shame and Self-Blame

Loving the Unlovable: Transforming Shame and Self-Blame


3-week on-demand video course
Unlimited, lifetime access
Downloadable workbook
Access to our online forum
Find out more about this course



Get 6 Powerful Guided Exercises

What Are the Labels?
What the Part that Shames Us is Trying to Do for Us
Making Sense of the World
Listening to the Part that Compares Us to Others
The Part of You That’s Hardest to Love
Living from Confidence that Every Part of You is Lovable


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