Hello!
It’s been awhile since we sent out an Untangling Newsletter. There’s been a good reason — we’ve been immersed in writing our book on Untangling. Now it’s almost done… so it’s time to re-start the Newsletter.
Jenna asks:
I’ve noticed that Parts can come to believe that they (and other Parts) need to be accepting, calm, and allowing, in other words, like Self-in-Presence. I have heard a Part saying to another Part “you can’t be like that, we’re supposed to be nice to each other,” and so on. It’s like they try to “follow the rules” of Inner Relationship Focusing.
Hi Jenna,
How sweet it is when Parts are willing to step up and try to “be good” to support us. And, in this case, they clearly hope that being “like Self-in-Presence” will be helpful. But as you already know, Parts trying to be Self-in-Presence doesn’t actually help.
What can help is acknowledging the good-hearted intention of a Part of you trying to help in that way. You might say to it something like, “I can sense just how much you want to help. I’m wondering what you are hoping will happen if everyone follows the rules.” When you connect with the positive intention behind what it is saying, something can shift.
The second thing that comes to mind is that Parts get to feel grumpy and angry and scared and hateful and whatever else they might feel. It is actually important they have the feelings and thoughts and beliefs they have. Allowing Parts to have their feelings is actually one of the “rules” (let’s say “principles” instead) of Inner Relationship Focusing.
As Self-in-Presence, you might remind your Parts that you are here. It’s your role to listen and empathize with each of them.
You sense what each of them is going through and what matters to each of them. Parts never have to be nice or listen empathically to another Part. They never have to be accepting or calm or allowing. They certainly don’t have to become Self-in-Presence.
You, as Self-in-Presence, create a space of curiosity and safety where they can be just as they are. And as you offer them the empathy they need, they will start to transform of their own accord. Not because they are being good or following rules, but because they are being met with care and understanding by you.
Have a question about Untangling or working with Parts in Inner Relationship Focusing? We’d love to respond to it in a future newsletter!
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Warmly,
