Alexandra asks:
I’ve been looking for a job for a long time but I can’t get myself on a straight course. Some days I feel really sure that I am worth having a job that brings me happiness. Other days there is a part saying I should be thankful to get a job at all and it doesn’t matter what kind of job it is and how much it pays. This struggle inside really makes me tired and hopeless because the result remains the same: no job.
Barbara responds:
Hi Alexandra,
Thanks for the question. We think a lot of people can relate! Let’s take a look at some of what’s going on looking at it from an Untangling perspective.
There is a situation in your life: you want to have a job and that hasn’t changed.
The first thing that strikes me is there are lots of feelings and hopes and worries about the situation. And a number of strategies that are being put forward by at least two Parts that are in conflict.
Something in you really wants you to have a job that brings feelings of happiness. It hopes that if it tells you that you are worthy of such a job you might keep looking until you get something that brings happiness.
And something in you really wants you to have a job! From its point of view any job would do. It’s worried that if you hold out for a job that brings you happiness, you aren’t going to find a job at all. Those seem to be the two main sides in this situation.
Reading between the lines, I’m wondering if you might have a bias—a preference for, a leaning towards the Part of you that is wanting you to have a job that brings you happiness. Totally understandable, but when you are in the process of Untangling, this can make it very difficult to get in touch with the Part that is being leaned away from—in your case, the Part of you that is telling you to take any job.
So now we have a third Part, the one that is siding with the “keep-going-until-you find-the-right-job-for-you Part.” It might be hoping that if only you can get in contact with the Part telling you to take any job, it might see the error of its ways and come into line with the one that wants you to find a job that brings you happiness.
Perhaps this Part that prefers the one really wanting you to find a “happiness” job needs to be acknowledged first so you can really get what it is worried about and what it is longing for you to be able to experience. When you are able to disidentify from a Part that is biased towards one side in a situation, that is a big step.
When you are in a Tangle, no Part knows what the right next step would be. In a way, both are wrong. Neither the strategy of holding out, nor the strategy of taking any job, is what would carry you forward.
When you are able to acknowledge that you don’t know what the right next steps would be and be open to the situation itself letting you know, then new possibilities can begin to emerge.
If you have any questions about Untangling, please feel free to reach out!
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Warmly,
