Are feelings something you find, or something you wait for? Read on…
Krys writes:
I first came across Gendlin’s books years ago and found them revelatory. I could easily see the potential for them in myself and found some immediate benefits.
Unfortunately a few years ago, upon becoming a parent, I became somewhat dissociative and am no longer able to ‘feel’ feelings very well at all. Sometimes I can sense a resistance to feeling, which of course I could try to focus on, gently, but often I just can’t find any felt sensations at all, or if I can then the feeling is really fleeting — like a momentary flash which vanishes as soon as I focus upon it.
Dear Krys:
One thing I’ve learned over my years with Focusing is that feelings don’t come in a vacuum. Feelings come in a context, and they are sensitive to how they are being treated. They can be shy, or wary, or cautious.
If you wanted to make friends with a shy animal, and if the animal ran away as soon as you reached toward it, what would you think?
I’d think: The animal doesn’t feel safe yet. I need to move very slowly, and be very patient and accepting. I need to make sure my body is a safe place for feelings to come.
Here’s a tip for you. Rather than thinking of a felt sensation as something that you “find,” think of it as something that develops.
Start by bringing awareness to your body, and then give an invitation. “Maybe there’s something in me that doesn’t feel safe,” for example. Then wait. Imagine you are at the edge of the woods, willing to make contact with something alive in there that you don’t yet see. Be patient. Take your time.
When you begin to be aware of something, slow down even more. No sudden moves! Let it develop. Let it come to you.
I hope you can feel as you read this, how this kind of attitude brings more safety. Good luck!
