Focusing Tip #858 – Regret and Parenting – “I didn’t pay enough attention to my daughter’s needs.”
What if your feelings of guilt are for something you should have done and failed to do? Read on…
Maria writes:
I would like to talk about my feeling of guilt. I have a daughter who is 36.
When she was growing up, my husband and I were so busy keeping everything going at a Buddhist Center that we did not pay enough attention to our daughter and her needs. When she was 19 I left her and lived in another country.
I feel selfish and guilty.
Dear Maria:
It sounds like what you are feeling is regret. You are sorry now for actions that you took (or didn’t take) in the past. If your daughter isn’t doing well, that probably makes your feelings of regret even more poignant.
I know the feeling of regret very well. I know how painful it can be to wish I could change time, redo my choices, go back and do it over again right this time… and then realize that isn’t possible and I’m stuck with the bad choice that I did make.
I have learned a couple of things about regret. One is that calling myself “bad” and “selfish” doesn’t change anything. It doesn’t do the other person any good.
So I’ve learned to say “something in me calls me bad” and to say Hello to that part of me. I usually find that this part of me is in a lot of pain. It is suffering. So I do my best to be compassionate to it.
The other big thing I have learned about regret is that I can also be compassionate to that “younger me” who made choices in a way that I am sorry for now. Didn’t she do the best she could, given the resources available at the time?
My sister’s wedding was scheduled at a time when I already had a workshop planned. I was scared about money in those days, and thought I might starve if I didn’t do that workshop. (Not a rational thought, but that’s what happens when younger parts of us make decisions.) I’ve always regretted that I didn’t go to my sister’s wedding. But I no longer torment myself about it, because I understand that I lacked the resources I would have needed in order to make a wiser choice.
Maria, it sounds like your daughter’s childhood was a time when you felt overwhelmed a lot. Perhaps you can ask yourself gently, “What resources would I have needed in order to make wiser choices about my daughter?” And when you get an answer, listen with kindness. Even people who make mistakes deserve kindness.
For more support with Regret:
Focusing Tip #829 – When you regret how you couldn’t show up in the past
