Focusing Tip #862 – Grief and Parts – “How do we Focus differently with grieving?”

How do you accompany your own grief if “grief” is not a part? Read on…

Mary writes:

I am in the process of losing my mother to dementia. I feel the grief at the loss of my mother in every cell of my body. It would feel wrong and disrespectful to use ‘something in me’ to describe this grief.

I have read your post on the Art of Focusing with Grief and I can see you understand this feeling. I wonder, though, if you could provide any more guidance on what the Focusing process looks like when you don’t use ‘something in me’ or parts language.

Do you still say ‘hello’ to the grief? What comes next?

Dear Mary:

I am so sorry for your slow, tragic loss of your mother. That is a hard thing to go through, and I’m so glad you have Focusing to help.

As I said in that post, I see grieving as a natural process, that is not from a part of us, but our whole self. So I don’t say “something in you is grieving,” but “you are grieving.”

Yet Focusing can be a powerful support for the grieving process — because “parts language” is not required for Focusing.

Focusing is a gentle, accepting accompaniment of what you feel, sensing what you feel just as it is, and listening for more.

You are grieving. You feel your grief in every cell of your body. By feeling your grief, and sensing what it feels like with respect and caring, you are already Focusing.

The next step: Pause, take time, and stay with the feeling if your grief. Perhaps there is a further description of what it feels like… in every cell of your body. There might be words, images, sounds.

Tears may come. Other feelings may also come. They are welcome too.

You are present… not with a part of you, because grief is not a part, but with your whole self. You are sensing how you feel. You are treating yourself with respect and tenderness.

From this kind of presence with yourself, a kind of “knowing” will emerge… about what you need, from yourself and from others, during this time. You may need extra time for yourself, for your self-care. It’s from your inner sensing that you can know the “rightness” of caring for yourself as well as your mother. I am wishing you well.