What’s a helpful way to respond if a friend receives some hard news? Read on…
Elizabeth writes:
Yesterday I was talking to a friend who is has been told she has to to change to a salt-free, sugar-free, fat-free diet. I found myself trying to cheer her up by saying, “Look on the bright side…” and she stopped me. It turns out I am guilty of trying to cheer people up! Deep listening is harder than you think.
I thought you might have some tips for countering this major mistake in listening.
And aren’t there any times when cheering someone up is a good thing?
Dear Elizabeth:
It’s wonderful that you are paying attention, and open to receiving your friend’s requests.
I’d say that trying to cheer people up — when you don’t know whether they want that — could be an indication that your own relationship with your feelings might need some attention.
Is it OK to have painful or stressful feelings? Do we understand that what those feelings need the most is someone to keep them company?
You might say to yourself: “I am sensing something in me that has a hard time just letting these feelings be as they are… and I am saying Hello to that.”
Feelings need to be felt in order to move on. It’s really amazing how quickly feelings can change when they are heard exactly as they are!
After years of seeing the evidence of this, I now know that it’s better if I don’t try to change my feelings — or anyone else’s — but I do listen respectfully to how they feel.
Here is something you can say to your friend, “That sounds hard. I’ll be happy to listen to how you feel about that, if you want.” And get ready to be surprised! Everyone’s reaction to painful news is a little bit different.
So… are there any times when cheering someone up is a good thing? Sure — if they ask you to!
