Are your anxious parts controlling your actions? Read on…
Gabriel writes:
I have always struggled with an intense fear of doing something wrong.
Sometimes, when I am choosing to do something, I get very strong feelings of anxiety and a fear of maybe being mistaken and that the thing in question could actually be wrong and that I shouldn’t do it unless I’m certain it is not wrong. The problem is, this part is hardly (if ever) satisfied and always demands more certainty before it allows me to act.
Even if I end up convincing this part that there is nothing wrong with the thing, it quickly starts to worry about another one. Do I ignore the worry or give in to it?
Dear Gabriel:
What if there is a third option, neither ignoring the worry nor giving in to it?
Let’s start by acknowledging that you are getting strong feelings of anxiety and worry. You can tell this is something in you that is afraid you are about to make a big mistake.
It seems to you that the only way to shift the anxiety is to try to reassure the anxious part that the action will not be a mistake.
But what if your goal is not to shift the anxiety? Nor to ignore it. But rather to spend time in a relationship of empathy with it.
A lot of the ways that people get stuck are because they are trying not to feel what they are feeling. They want to “solve” the feeling, appease it, numb it, get rid of it.
And of course if it’s an uncomfortable feeling — as anxiety often is — this impulse is understandable. But it won’t lead to long-term relief.
In your case, here’s what I recommend:
- Acknowledge this part of you by saying, “Something in me feels….”
- Say to it, “Hello, I know you’re there.”
- Compassionately acknowledge the intensity of its feeling: “I really get how strongly you feel about this.”
- Invite more relationship and more contact: “I’m here to listen. There’s something you really don’t want to have happen, that you’re guarding me against.”
And then you listen. Letting it know you hear it.
Remember: It’s not about the action that you will choose to take or not take. It’s about the feelings of this part of you, and the part’s experience of you being its strong, caring listener. Over time, it starts to trust you. And that’s what brings real change.
