“Does a part really have the power to take over?”

Paul writes:
“I’ve been curious and even troubled by the tendency to talk about inner experiences as if no free will exists. People say things like ‘I was captured by a part,’ or ‘a part took over.’ I really want to believe free will and the choice about how to respond to a part’s arrival always exists.

“Does a part really have the power to take over, or capture us? It seems to me that parts can’t really do this on their own, they need our assistance or neglect. We have to believe them and let them go to it. If we are not in that moment in a place of presence enough to see a choice exists then that part can do what we call ‘take over.’ But when that happens, in my opinion, we do let them do that, and often simply because we aren’t being present so we don’t understand or see other options.

“Just today I was bowling, my children were outplaying me, and I threw a gutter ball. I noticed something in me getting really mad and helpless feeling and wanting to give up. But I noticed that happening and realized a choice existed about how to hold that part and its feelings. I gently let that part know I heard it’s embarrassment, and then paid attention to the bowling and what my body needed to do. The next ball I threw I knocked all the pins down.”

Dear Paul,
I love your story about the bowling! What a great example of being Self-in-Presence in the midst of a real life situation. You “realized a choice existed about how to hold that part and its feelings.” Beautiful!

I agree with you that saying “a part took me over” is not a very empowered way to speak about one’s actions. But it might be the most accurate way to express what it feels like in the actual situation. “Who did that? Was it really me?”

I remember once in an argument with my daughter when she was a teenager, I started saying terrible things to her. I couldn’t believe those critical statements were coming out of my mouth! I said, “I’m so sorry, I feel like I just got taken over by aliens.” She very rightly said, “What bull—t!” She was right because I was and am responsible for the actions I take, no matter how small and partial a place those actions are coming from.

Doing Focusing with the part that took over

When I have used that expression, “a part took me over,” it’s because I have wanted to understand what was happening when I took actions that were not in accord with my values, or when I felt small and flooded by overwhelming feelings.

At the start of a Focusing session, I might identify a part that had “taken over” at an earlier time. This would be the starting place for an exploration. I would let that part know that I would like to get to know it better, and invite it to come into awareness now in this more quiet setting. I would feel it, describe it, and listen to what it was wanting and not wanting for me. This would strengthen my Self-in-Presence and also change the trust that part had in me, so the next time it needed something it would not need to take over.

I also like to remember that speaking of “parts” can be useful, but it’s also metaphorical. We are really whole, and really in process. What seem to be “parts” arise and then pass away. Wholeness remains.