"It was not possible for me to be kind to my self-destructive thoughts"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Nina writes: "Last night
I was experiencing several thoughts
that were extremely self-destructive: 'I want to kill you and torture you,' and
so on. It was not possible for me to be with them kindly at all. I
simply did not want them. And I could tell myself that the part that did not
want them only was a part – but I was convinced that I was that part. So
that became a war, of course."
Dear Nina,
That sounds
like something really difficult to be going through. Maybe the first
thing is for you to be gentle with yourself for how difficult that is.
And of course (really!) there isn't going to be an easy, quick formula for changing it.
But
let me share with you how I am understanding this kind of process. When
we have experienced emotional trauma, we often have strong parts of us
whose job it is to protect us from emotions coming up. The trauma is
not what happened, it is the stoppage of forward-movement and the
emotional pain of that stoppage, and all of that was too much for us,
then. Parts of us are still convinced that it would be too much for us
now, to feel all that.
This type of part can stop emotional pain
from coming up in many ways. Sometimes it happens by the coming of
blankness, sleepiness, confusion, where the intention is, "Don't go
there." Sometimes there is a sense of a wall inside, or a locked door,
or a deep dark cave.
And sometimes this part feels it has to
KILL the emotional part. Like that horrible story (I don't know if it
is true) about a mother hiding with a group of people in wartime, who
had to kill her crying baby so the group would not be discovered. "Kill
the weak one, kill the crying baby, so we can survive, because weakness
will kill us all."
It is trying to kill something that it thinks will hurt the whole person
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Of
course we won't let it kill the inner baby. And in fact it cannot.
Nothing inside us can be permanently killed. But it would be better if
we, I mean YOU, can step in between and not even let it talk to the
inner baby.
Instead, be Self-in-Presence and say to it, "I'm here to listen, please talk to me."
And
then listen for the panic and terror that is underneath that wish to
kill. Let it know you hear that something is frightening it so much
that it thinks it has to kill it. Try out the possibility that it is
something about emotion, about weakness, that it feels such a strong
need to attack.
With your other side, your other arm so to speak, you can cradle that baby, and let it know you will not allow it to be hurt.
When
I was four years old, an only child until then, my baby brother way
born. He was ill, and cried all the time. Sometimes I felt such rage at
him. Once I hit him for crying. But really it was not about him crying.
It was about how frightening it was for me to lose the attention of my
parents. I wish my parents had been able to protect him from me, but
also turn to me with love and compassion. We can do that for our parts
inside.
