October 31 2006

Since it’s Hallowe’en, let’s talk about scariness, fear, and Focusing.

What Does “It’s Scary” Mean?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I never understood why skeletons are supposed to be scary. Maybe it’s because my father was a science teacher, and there was a nice friendly skeleton in a glass case in his classroom, I didn’t understand why people brought out paper skeletons at Hallowe’en, and found them scary.
Black cats? Also not scary. Ghosts? Well, what is a ghost supposed to be able to do to you? It can’t touch you, can it? These were the thoughts of the ten-year-old me, growing up in Illinois.

Later, I found out two things. First, a lot of people LIKE to feel scared, especially when they’re really safe. I guess it’s that adrenalin rush. And second: “scary” is in the eye of the beholder.

Especially when I started studying language, I realized that when people say “it’s scary,” they’re really saying that THEY are scared, or might be scared. This is a funny thing that we can do with language: projecting the feelings outside ourselves, onto the object or person that we’re reacting to. “It’s scary” means I’m scared; “it’s impressive” means I’m impressed; “it’s overwhelming” means I’m overwhelmed. And so on.

Projecting feelings isn’t a very helpful thing to do, from the point of view of Focusing. I can’t focus very well on “it” being “scary.” I need to call back my projections, and turn “it’s scary” into “I’m scared.” From there I can go to “something in me is scared… and I’m sensing it.”

Focusing with Something “Scary”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Let’s take an example. Let’s say I’m Focusing, and I’m finding in myself a feeling place that I’m describing as “dark, heavy, full of tears.” In fact, the more I stay with it, the darker and heavier and more full of tears it seems. Suddenly I find myself exclaiming: “It’s scary!”
Is IT really scary? Is “scary” a quality of IT? Or isn’t it more true that I am now in touch with another “something” in me, something in me that is scared OF the dark, heavy, full-of-tears place?

If I continue to call it “scary,” I will stay identified with something in me that is scared of it. This will lead to trying to push it away, control it, avoid it, and all the other things we do when we are identified with a feeling about another feeling.

If instead I turn and acknowledge something in me that is scared, I have more space inside. I have room for both. I’m not fighting anything or pushing anything away, and I’m in a good position to sense more into either of these “somethings,” the dark heavy one or the scared one.

So when you’re Focusing, and you find yourself saying “it’s scary,” try turning that into “something in me is scared.” And notice how that feels.

And if you’re not Focusing, and you like being scared by skeletons, black cats and ghosts, go right ahead!