April 3 2007 – #105

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Relational Differences Between Focusing Partner and Therapist
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Laura asks, "Would you describe the
differences in the psychotherapeutic
relationship and the relationship between the
focuser and companion."

Dear Laura,
As you know, Focusing is a process that can
be taught to people, that can be done by
one's self or with a Focusing partner... and
it is also a process that enhances
psychotherapy. Therapists can learn to
support their clients to do more Focusing
during therapy, thus enhancing their process
of change in a life-enhancing direction.

You're asking about the differences between
the Focuser and Companion relationship--when
we trade Focusing sessions with a friend--and
the client and therapist relationship.

Of course, there are many. In Focusing
partnership, we trade, first one person's
turn, then the other person's turn. We trade
the time as equally as we can. In the therapy
relationship, the session is for the client.
The trade (as in so many worthy professions)
is time, attention, and expertise... for money.

As a therapy client, the fact that I am not
going to turn around and become the listener
for my therapist has many implications. It
means I can become emotionally dependent on
her for a while. I can play out with her some
patterns from my past that need to work
themselves out differently this time. I can
put her on a pedestal and then, as the
therapy progresses, realize that I've done so
and let her step down again.

If I were a therapist, I would understand
this process for the client. I would know
that the relationship between us is as much
the material of therapy as the client's own
past history. I would show up on time and not
schedule too many vacations. I would be ready
to be gentle with anger and tears directed at
me that don't make much sense taken in the
present alone.

There are many forms of therapy, and many
types of relationship possible. But therapy,
like teaching and parenting, is inherently
unequal. That is why sexual and romantic
connections are absolutely out of bounds, and
need to be rigorous abstained from by the
"more powerful" person. For a time, the
client isn't an equal adult in every way...
and equal relationships, such as sexual
relations, are violating of what is there.

Focusing partnership, because there's an
equal trade, isn't like this. We meet, I take
my turn, you take your turn. When I am your
listener, I need to be there as my larger
Self, in Presence. So very soon after (or
before) my own Focusing turn, I can feel my
Presence as helpful to another. I don't get
very far away from that sense of my equality
with you, ever. And we can go out to lunch
afterwards!

Both types of relationship
are valuable. Therapists provide a great
service by offering this holding and safe
environment where a client can work through
old patterns in a new way. Focusing
partnerships let us feel safe as well as we
find our own way into our life-forward direction.

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And Coaching, and Body-work, and...
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There are many professions that can be
enhanced by bringing in Focusing. In each
case, the ethics and methods of that
profession stand, and Focusing is added in a
compatible way.

We see that Focusing is a process that
enables us to tap into the "more than we have
in words" in any activity we may be engaged
in. How rich life is then!