Possibility, Hope, and Empowerment–From One Little Word
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I'm here right now at the Focusing Institute Summer School, in Garrison, NY, giving a five-morning course in "Getting Unblocked." On the first morning, my group taught me something wonderful.
I was inviting them to put their blocking situation into one of these forms, so we could work with it more easily. (Maybe you'd like to try it right now…)
"I want to _______DO THE ACTION_____, but I don't."
(Example: "I want to start painting again, but I don't."
"I need to _______DO THE ACTION_____, but I don't."
(Example: "I need to finish sorting the papers but I don't.")
"I want to have _____CONDITION or OUTCOME______, but I don't."
(Example: "I want to have a better relationship with my daughter, but I don't.")
Next, I invited them to begin to shift this language to another way to say it. This time, I don't know what inspired me, but I decided to start with the simple shift from the word "but" to the word "and."
"I want to start painting again, AND I don't."
"I need to finish sorting the papers, AND I don't."
"I want to have a better relationship with my daughter, AND I don't."
(You might want to try it yourself, with your sentence, before moving on…)
When You Say "And," You're Giving Equal Respect to Both Sides
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I was about to go on to ask them to change other language, when I decided to ask them first, what they noticed just from changing "but" to "and."
That's when the participants in my class starting tell me things like this:
"I feel more hope."
"It's like there are more possibilities now."
"Now I'm not criticizing myself any more."
We realized that just by saying "and" in our sentences instead of "but," we had brought in a quality of inclusion, and equal respect for both sides.
Before, one side had been pushing the other side away, trying to make it the bad guy.
Now, we were Self-in-Presence, holding that larger space of respect and curiosity. It brought a sense of hope and possibility to an inner world that had felt mired and stuck.
No wonder I love language!