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I
just finished a lovely weekend workshop at the Garrison Institute in
New York. With the support of Sharon Zamkovitz, I was teaching Focusing
Path to Lasting Change, Part One and How to Teach Path to Lasting Change, Part One, two workshops at the same time.
Exciting!
One thing stood out for me as I helped beginning
Focusers feel confident about practicing with each other after the
workshop: Focusing partnership needs to follow certain guidelines in
order to be safe and empowering for both people.
When you depart from those guidelines, the lack of safety interferes with the effectiveness of Focusing.
Most
important: The Focuser is in charge. When you're the Focuser, you are
in charge of what you do, and what you ask for from your partner (we
call this role the "Companion").
You can talk, you can be
silent, you can stay close to the body felt process or you can share
insights you are having. You can have images or make gestures. Some of
what you do might not look like Focusing to your Companion. That's OK.
It's your process, not theirs.
Companion, you can relax. It's
not up to you whether the Focuser is "doing it right." You're just
there to support their process, not to evaluate it.
The other
crucial guideline is "no comment on content." The two of you will not
be discussing the topic or theme of the Focuser's session. After the
session, limit your discussion to the process. For example, "Was it OK
for you when I didn't say back all of the image you described?"
Even
an innocent comment like, "Wow, I can so relate to what you're saying"
can cross this boundary. Sorry, I know this means being rather
disciplined, but if you don't follow this rule, especially at first,
your Focusing can suffer. (Old friends know when to stretch this rule,
but newer partners need to follow it strictly.)
"I'm afraid of getting sucked in by other people's problems."
One
of the workshop participants asked this question on the last morning:
"If I'm a Focusing partner, how can I make sure I don't get sucked in
by other people's problems?"
It's an important question… and
I believe that if you follow the two guidelines above, you'll be
protected from overgiving and being drawn into the problems of the
people you're Focusing with.
If you remember that as Companion
you are not there to help the Focuser feel better, because it's THEIR
session and they are in charge of it… and if neither of you discusses
the theme of the session after it's over… you'll be pretty well
protected from familiar over-giving roles.
I like to say: "Empowered Focuser, Relaxed Companion." It's all set up so you can enjoy and get the most out of Focusing!
