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I
remember the voice that used to sound like that in my head. While I
struggled with blocks and procrastination, this self-attacking inner
critic made everything worse. I felt so bad about myself that I often
gave up without even trying to do the task. Then the voice got even
more attacking, and I felt even worse… it was really a vicious cycle.
When
Barbara McGavin and I started looking in a new way that this
criticizing process, we had a big revelation. This "partial self" isn't
trying to criticize you. It's trying to influence you. It doesn't want
you to feel bad–it wants you to change. And it wants that because it
is worried about how things are.
In fact, I had a linguistic
revelation. I found that if I put the phrase "I'm worried that" in
front of whatever the inner critic was saying, I would hear more
accurately what it was really saying.
"I'm worried that you're going to wreck this opportunity like all the others."
"I'm worried that you'll never succeed."
"I'm worried that you're inadequate to clean up this mess."
Or another way to hear it is to add the words "if you're not careful" at the end.
"You're going to wreck this opportunity too if you're not careful."
I am not the target – "something in me" is the target
Understanding that the criticizing part is worried brought a big shift. It wasn't trying to hurt me–it actually wanted my good.
But
it was a bigger shift when I could become Self-in-Presence with this
whole issue, and really feel in my body that "I" was not the one being
criticized. Something in me felt criticized, but that didn't have to be
me. I could acknowledge both the criticizing one and the one being
criticized.
I'm not saying that's easy… but it's possible!
And
when I could be in relationship to both those partial-selves, instead
of being in the struggle of one against the other, everything changed.
I
was out of the fight, able to sense the life energy underneath it
all… and ultimately able to act as a whole person in the direction of
what was needed.
People say I get a lot done. What they don't
understand is, I wasn't always like this! It was a long road from
blocks and procrastination to where I am now. This being
Self-in-Presence with both an inner critic and an inner "victim" was a
huge part of that change.